Bubble and Babel

Greetings,

A couple weeks ago was Mother's Day. To celebrate, I took the family (including my father, brother and, naturally, my mother) out to a local Italian restaurant. As I arrived, my father pulled some papers out of his pocket and handed them to me.

"Remember this?", he asked.

I took the folded papers and opened them. As I realized what it was, my eyes lit up. It was a poem I wrote about twenty years ago called "Bubble and Babel." I had been looking for it for ages and had given it up for lost.

And now, to those few readers who have not completely given up on me, I present it to you:

Bubble and Babel

Here's the fine fable
Of Bubble and Babel
Two fish from the finest of fins
'neath a summer sun moon
On the eighth noon of June
Our story most humbly begins

Between you and me
They lived in the sea
Near the pier of Peek-A-Boo Bay
So with no more excuse
Let me please introduce
The pair I see swimming our way.

This is young Bubble
One whirlpool of trouble
A rebel of daring and doubt
He wondered, "Why oughta
I love underwater?"
And often would ponder and pout.

"Why are there birds?
Where is the sky?
How do you suppose that they fly?
Who plans these things?
Where are my wings?
If I had a pair, say, could I?"

Now Babel was wiser
A friendly advisor
And not so naive or ambitious
But he was young once
(Though it's been many months)
And he knew of the young fish's wishes

So Babel said, "No,
It cannot be so.
Our fins are not fit for the sky.
So just heed my word
A fish is no bird
And only birds ever will fly."

Alas, we are done
With our introduction
And now may our story continue
If my little hunch
Is correct, it's now lunch
I suspect this is what's on the menu:

Round worms and flat worms
Short, bald and fat worms
Sneaky snails desperately doddering
Starfish and Jellyfish
Ugly and smelly fish
(isn't your mouth simply watering?)

As the hour increased
They devoured this feast
Lunch was blessed and then gulped and then swallowed
On this wet, summer day
You can best believe they
Never guessed of the troubles that followed.

"I'm in such a bad mood!
I'm so sick of sea food!
Way up high is where I long to be.
Birds have wings and a sun!
And what's worse, I have none!
Such a curse to belong to the sea!"

"That's the wrong attitude,"
Babel said, as he chewed
"You're quite young, you're well fed, and you're free!"
But that was no sooner said
When they both turned their heads
To the sound of a sweet melody.

"Doh Re Me Fa La La
Bop A Loo La De Da."
A voice not of this watery world
It came from a creature
I'd rather not feature
That slithered and twisted and twirled.

A serpent so tiny
Sitting down on his hiney
In a throne made of fine, sharpened steel
A slippery fella
He sang a capella
Interrupting their moist, midday meal.

"You two there!" he cried
As he rode on the tide
"What fine fish you both seem to be.
I just overheard
Your discussion of birds
And all things above Mother Sea."

"Earwig's the name
And the reason I came
Is to search for a bold volunteer.
I'm here on a mission
From the Good King 'GON FISHUN'
My orders are brief and quite clear!"

"I'm to bring back a student
The finest, most prudent
Sea creature there is to be had.
To fly and be hip
On a full scholarship
Know you where I might find such a lad?"

Then the fish that was younger
Had forgotten his hunger
And he cried out to Babel's dismay,
"I'm Bubble the First
And I believe I shall burst
If you don't take me with you today!"

So Earwig said, "Fine
Just grab onto my line
And we'll be up and quite on our way.
We've got so much to do
And we really should shoo
If you want to get started today."

But Babel said, "Look,
what's the catch? What's the hook?
It's not natural what you suggest.
'less I see it in writing
I'm afraid I'm not biting
It's just too much for me to digest."

So Babel said, "No
It cannot be so.
No fish should e'er wish for the air.
You belong to the sea
So just stay here with me.
There's nothing for Bubble up there."


But Bubble just frowned.
"I'd sooner just drowned
Than swim in this swill one more minute.
Oh, I so want to go
But you say No No No!
Just because you wish to remain in it."

And Babel said, "Yes,
That's true, more or less
It's my duty to warn you of dangers.
See, the sea's full of rage
So few fish die of age
And one shouldn't trust slithery strangers."

Then little Earwig
Said, "Nuts to this gig!"
And wasn't he devilishly clever?
"I'm gone, out of sight
Perhaps your friend here is right.
Oh, did I mention all birds live forever?"

Now Earwig was sharp
Maybe sharper than nails
And had won more than one commendation in sales
So he lowered his voice
And he raised up one eye
As he told of the wondrous sights of the sky...

"Black horses running on violet plains
Great lions roaring in hot jungle rains
Grand mountain peaks and soft, lazy meadows
Warm, windy prairies and valleys and shadows
Ravaging rivers and tranquil lagoons
The white midnight sun and the red morning moon
So stay with your friend if it pleases you such
But he'll give you nothing and I'll show you much!"

And before you could say "Thirty Dirty White Socks!"
Young Bubble popped up like a Jack-In-The-Box!

"Let's go right away
We mustn't delay!"
He cried and bid Babel farewell
"How grand it will be
To fly and be free
What stories I'll soon have to tell."

Then the serpent drew near
Whispered right in his ear
And young Bubble bobbed in delight
He opened his jaws
And without further pause
He swallowed Earwig in one bite

But sooner than not
Came his first second thought
A pain in his throat made him wiggle
He cursed and he yelled
And inside his belly
He thought that he heard Earwig giggle

A jolt in his heart
The whole world flew apart!
He frantically fought to break free
Such whipping and thrashing
And terrible splashing
But all in vain as you shall see

Poor Bubble shouted
"I shouldn't have doubted
What a gullible Bubble was I!
This is serious trouble!
How 'bout nothing or double?
I don't want to live in the sky!"

But wish as he would
It did him no good
He struggled and hollered in fear
And wise Babel knew
There was nothing to do
As he watched his small friend getting smaller
and smaller
and smaller
and then disappear...

He said not a word
He made not a sound
He moved not a muscle or bone
But still waters run deep
And the heart never sleeps
Though it be sad, afraid, and alone.

Now Bubble is gone
But Babel swims on
Far away from Peek-A-Boo Bay
He has a new life
A small house and a wife
And they say she's expecting in May

And time and again
He thinks of his friend
And he knows that he's flying somewhere
And children agree
When they look up and see
Little bubbles that float in the air.

Further Adventures in Communication Breakdown

(based on an actual telephone conversation)

Superman: ... well, okay then. I guess I'll see you when you get home.

Cat Woman: Oh, by the way, the cable bill is downstairs on the table.

Superman: What?

Cat Woman: The cable bill. It's downstairs on the table by the door?

Superman: The cable bill? Do you need some money? I don't understand.

Cat Woman (frustrated): Don't you remember, the cable you needed for the computer? Bill came by and dropped it off. It's on the table.

Superman: Oh, I thought you were saying ... nevermind.

(True story. I shit you not.)

Text Adventures of Superman and Captain America

Captain America: Hey, dood. You wanna go to a b-day party? I forgot I was invited.

Superman: Where? Not really dressed for a party. Whose?

Captain America: Remember "looks like a guy"? Trust me, no need to dress up. Amy (nice rack) will be there.

Superman: Um where???

Captain America: Dive bar over here near me. (You're allowed to say no)

Superman: For the third freakin' time - where???

Captain America: Nevermind.

Superman: Dude, why should it take 3 text messages to extract one simple piece of information? Communicate with me brother. I'll be hangin @ lynnhaven B&N if u change mind.

Captain America: I told you three times. What does it matter anyway?

Superman: Ah, right. Some bar near your house. I'm on my way. I don't need an address or even the name of the bar. Because I'm Superman. How much have you had to drink?

Captain America: Go to BN. I'm not much longer for this world tonight.

Superman: I've been looking for something nutty to put in my blog. I think this conversation clinches it. We have a winner!

Captain America: ???

Superman: On my way 2 ur house.

Captain America: I'm almost in bed, man.

Superman: I'm here :) I thought u were @ a party.

Captain America: No, I was asking if you wanted to do that. I felt guilty about forgetting.

Superman: So I guess u r not coming 2 the door?

Superman: Awright :( later

#1 M*A*S*H

Okay, this one's probably a little anti-climactic. Of all the shows you've been thinking "how could x not be on the list?", M*A*S*H had to be the biggie. The gang at the 4077th took over my television every Monday night for years. And it always pissed me off that it I had to miss the first half hour of Monday Night Football (this was in the days before VCRs, kiddies). Wow, remember those days? If you didn't see a show, you missed it... >>shudder<<

The final episode remains the most watched television event in history, and deservedly so. Amazingly, it was the best episode of all of them, although in fairness it did equal five of them in length. The choke-me-up scene comes when Hawkeye and B.J. embrace for the last time before they part ways. Damn, I still can't watch that scene without losing it. (And I still can't believe B.J. didn't fly ass-over-teakettle riding that motorcycle down that hill...)

Oh, and I had a huge crush on Nurse Kelly for years.

#2 NYPD BLUE

BACK DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND!

(okay, one stinkin' e-mail)

This show was a little too big for its britches (because, frankly, too many of its characters weren't wearing any britches too much of the time) when it came out. Our local ABC affiliate didn't even broadcast the first few episodes because of adult content. Due to this, I didn't start watching the show until they started coming on the FX channel. One episode per night -- I was in a state of bliss! This is one amazing cop show, and the first few seasons were its finest. I believe the intent was for the show to be a vehicle for David Caruso, but when he left it became all Dennis Franz, as the bigoted, whore-banging mess of a cop, Andy Sipowicz.

Frankly, the show was at its best at the beginning when Andy was out of control. Watching him tear through every scene with a vengeance was riveting television. Seasons 2-6, where he partnered with Bobby Simone (Jimmy Smits) were the finest. If you see an episode with Ricky Schroeder or Mark-Paul Gosselaar, you won't miss much by flipping past it. Otherwise, give it a look-see.

As the series arched over twelve seasons Andy transformed from a heartbroken villain to a heartwarming teddybear/supercop. Of course, in those years Andy experienced enough misery to make Job look like Mark Cuban in comparison. His first partner gets fired, his son dies, HE almost dies, he's a recovering alcoholic, his wife dies, his second partner dies, his third partner dies.... most normal people (who aren't fed their dialogue from emmy-winning writers) would have leapt from the Chrysler building by that point. But not Andy. He was our rock for twelve years.

Oh, finally, the scene where Bobby Simone dies and that one tear sinks down his face -- ugghh! Second biggest choke-me-up scene I've ever witnessed. The biggest one? Stay tuned.

#3 The Larry Sanders Show

The Larry Sanders Show is perhaps one of the most intimate, disturbing shows that ever dared to call itself a comedy. It's a back-stage look at a fictional talk show and it pulls no punches. Whereas some comedies set up gags or punchlines or ridiculous situations to earn your laughs, The Larry Sanders Show gets them in droves by being brutally honest in its realism. There are no gags or jokes to speak of. There is no laugh track. The humor is derived from the superb characters, most of whom are selfish, lonely, and miserable. It can be uncomfortable to watch, and sometimes you feel guilty laughing. But it's real. And real funny!

No flipping!

#4 The Sopranos

We don't have HBO at our house. The Sopranos was a show I'd heard about for years before I ever got a chance to check it out on DVD. I'm a huge gangster movie fan. The Godfather makes my list of top 100 movies (I won't tell you where it ranks, but it rhymes with 'gun').

I must admit, I was terribly disappointed when I saw the first episode of The Sopranos. Some guy sitting in a psychiatrist's office whining about ducks? Are you kidding me? Surely this was not what everyone was raving about. But I persevered. And finally I understood what all the fuss was about. The Sopranos takes us into the private lives of gangsters like no movie ever could. We're able to see how Tony wrestles with the idea of being a family man and being a family man. I love gangster movies because of the intrigue and the action, but I also love character studies. The Sopranos, using the advantages of serial television, is able to combine both. Fuggetaboutit.