When The Blog Rolls Over

Bubble and Babel

2007-05-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

Greetings,

A couple weeks ago was Mother's Day. To celebrate, I took the family (including my father, brother and, naturally, my mother) out to a local Italian restaurant. As I arrived, my father pulled some papers out of his pocket and handed them to me.

"Remember this?", he asked.

I took the folded papers and opened them. As I realized what it was, my eyes lit up. It was a poem I wrote about twenty years ago called "Bubble and Babel." I had been looking for it for ages and had given it up for lost.

And now, to those few readers who have not completely given up on me, I present it to you:

Bubble and Babel

Here's the fine fable
Of Bubble and Babel
Two fish from the finest of fins
'neath a summer sun moon
On the eighth noon of June
Our story most humbly begins

Between you and me
They lived in the sea
Near the pier of Peek-A-Boo Bay
So with no more excuse
Let me please introduce
The pair I see swimming our way.

This is young Bubble
One whirlpool of trouble
A rebel of daring and doubt
He wondered, "Why oughta
I love underwater?"
And often would ponder and pout.

"Why are there birds?
Where is the sky?
How do you suppose that they fly?
Who plans these things?
Where are my wings?
If I had a pair, say, could I?"

Now Babel was wiser
A friendly advisor
And not so naive or ambitious
But he was young once
(Though it's been many months)
And he knew of the young fish's wishes

So Babel said, "No,
It cannot be so.
Our fins are not fit for the sky.
So just heed my word
A fish is no bird
And only birds ever will fly."

Alas, we are done
With our introduction
And now may our story continue
If my little hunch
Is correct, it's now lunch
I suspect this is what's on the menu:

Round worms and flat worms
Short, bald and fat worms
Sneaky snails desperately doddering
Starfish and Jellyfish
Ugly and smelly fish
(isn't your mouth simply watering?)

As the hour increased
They devoured this feast
Lunch was blessed and then gulped and then swallowed
On this wet, summer day
You can best believe they
Never guessed of the troubles that followed.

"I'm in such a bad mood!
I'm so sick of sea food!
Way up high is where I long to be.
Birds have wings and a sun!
And what's worse, I have none!
Such a curse to belong to the sea!"

"That's the wrong attitude,"
Babel said, as he chewed
"You're quite young, you're well fed, and you're free!"
But that was no sooner said
When they both turned their heads
To the sound of a sweet melody.

"Doh Re Me Fa La La
Bop A Loo La De Da."
A voice not of this watery world
It came from a creature
I'd rather not feature
That slithered and twisted and twirled.

A serpent so tiny
Sitting down on his hiney
In a throne made of fine, sharpened steel
A slippery fella
He sang a capella
Interrupting their moist, midday meal.

"You two there!" he cried
As he rode on the tide
"What fine fish you both seem to be.
I just overheard
Your discussion of birds
And all things above Mother Sea."

"Earwig's the name
And the reason I came
Is to search for a bold volunteer.
I'm here on a mission
From the Good King 'GON FISHUN'
My orders are brief and quite clear!"

"I'm to bring back a student
The finest, most prudent
Sea creature there is to be had.
To fly and be hip
On a full scholarship
Know you where I might find such a lad?"

Then the fish that was younger
Had forgotten his hunger
And he cried out to Babel's dismay,
"I'm Bubble the First
And I believe I shall burst
If you don't take me with you today!"

So Earwig said, "Fine
Just grab onto my line
And we'll be up and quite on our way.
We've got so much to do
And we really should shoo
If you want to get started today."

But Babel said, "Look,
what's the catch? What's the hook?
It's not natural what you suggest.
'less I see it in writing
I'm afraid I'm not biting
It's just too much for me to digest."

So Babel said, "No
It cannot be so.
No fish should e'er wish for the air.
You belong to the sea
So just stay here with me.
There's nothing for Bubble up there."

But Bubble just frowned.
"I'd sooner just drowned
Than swim in this swill one more minute.
Oh, I so want to go
But you say No No No!
Just because you wish to remain in it."

And Babel said, "Yes,
That's true, more or less
It's my duty to warn you of dangers.
See, the sea's full of rage
So few fish die of age
And one shouldn't trust slithery strangers."

Then little Earwig
Said, "Nuts to this gig!"
And wasn't he devilishly clever?
"I'm gone, out of sight
Perhaps your friend here is right.
Oh, did I mention all birds live forever?"

Now Earwig was sharp
Maybe sharper than nails
And had won more than one commendation in sales
So he lowered his voice
And he raised up one eye
As he told of the wondrous sights of the sky...

"Black horses running on violet plains
Great lions roaring in hot jungle rains
Grand mountain peaks and soft, lazy meadows
Warm, windy prairies and valleys and shadows
Ravaging rivers and tranquil lagoons
The white midnight sun and the red morning moon
So stay with your friend if it pleases you such
But he'll give you nothing and I'll show you much!"

And before you could say "Thirty Dirty White Socks!"
Young Bubble popped up like a Jack-In-The-Box!

"Let's go right away
We mustn't delay!"
He cried and bid Babel farewell
"How grand it will be
To fly and be free
What stories I'll soon have to tell."

Then the serpent drew near
Whispered right in his ear
And young Bubble bobbed in delight
He opened his jaws
And without further pause
He swallowed Earwig in one bite

But sooner than not
Came his first second thought
A pain in his throat made him wiggle
He cursed and he yelled
And inside his belly
He thought that he heard Earwig giggle

A jolt in his heart
The whole world flew apart!
He frantically fought to break free
Such whipping and thrashing
And terrible splashing
But all in vain as you shall see

Poor Bubble shouted
"I shouldn't have doubted
What a gullible Bubble was I!
This is serious trouble!
How 'bout nothing or double?
I don't want to live in the sky!"

But wish as he would
It did him no good
He struggled and hollered in fear
And wise Babel knew
There was nothing to do
As he watched his small friend getting smaller
and smaller
and smaller
and then disappear...

He said not a word
He made not a sound
He moved not a muscle or bone
But still waters run deep
And the heart never sleeps
Though it be sad, afraid, and alone.

Now Bubble is gone
But Babel swims on
Far away from Peek-A-Boo Bay
He has a new life
A small house and a wife
And they say she's expecting in May

And time and again
He thinks of his friend
And he knows that he's flying somewhere
And children agree
When they look up and see
Little bubbles that float in the air.

Further Adventures in Communication Breakdown

2007-03-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

(based on an actual telephone conversation)

Superman: ... well, okay then. I guess I'll see you when you get home.

Cat Woman: Oh, by the way, the cable bill is downstairs on the table.

Superman: What?

Cat Woman: The cable bill. It's downstairs on the table by the door?

Superman: The cable bill? Do you need some money? I don't understand.

Cat Woman (frustrated): Don't you remember, the cable you needed for the computer? Bill came by and dropped it off. It's on the table.

Superman: Oh, I thought you were saying ... nevermind.

(True story. I shit you not.)

Text Adventures of Superman and Captain America

2007-03-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Captain America: Hey, dood. You wanna go to a b-day party? I forgot I was invited.

Superman: Where? Not really dressed for a party. Whose?

Captain America: Remember "looks like a guy"? Trust me, no need to dress up. Amy (nice rack) will be there.

Superman: Um where???

Captain America: Dive bar over here near me. (You're allowed to say no)

Superman: For the third freakin' time - where???

Captain America: Nevermind.

Superman: Dude, why should it take 3 text messages to extract one simple piece of information? Communicate with me brother. I'll be hangin @ lynnhaven B&N if u change mind.

Captain America: I told you three times. What does it matter anyway?

Superman: Ah, right. Some bar near your house. I'm on my way. I don't need an address or even the name of the bar. Because I'm Superman. How much have you had to drink?

Captain America: Go to BN. I'm not much longer for this world tonight.

Superman: I've been looking for something nutty to put in my blog. I think this conversation clinches it. We have a winner!

Captain America: ???

Superman: On my way 2 ur house.

Captain America: I'm almost in bed, man.

Superman: I'm here :) I thought u were @ a party.

Captain America: No, I was asking if you wanted to do that. I felt guilty about forgetting.

Superman: So I guess u r not coming 2 the door?

Superman: Awright :( later

#1 MAS*H

2007-02-22T08:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, this one's probably a little anti-climactic. Of all the shows you've been thinking "how could x not be on the list?", M*A*S*H had to be the biggie. The gang at the 4077th took over my television every Monday night for years. And it always pissed me off that it I had to miss the first half hour of Monday Night Football (this was in the days before VCRs, kiddies). Wow, remember those days? If you didn't see a show, you missed it... >>shudder<<

The final episode remains the most watched television event in history, and deservedly so. Amazingly, it was the best episode of all of them, although in fairness it did equal five of them in length. The choke-me-up scene comes when Hawkeye and B.J. embrace for the last time before they part ways. Damn, I still can't watch that scene without losing it. (And I still can't believe B.J. didn't fly ass-over-teakettle riding that motorcycle down that hill...)

Oh, and I had a huge crush on Nurse Kelly for years.

#2 NYPD BLUE

2007-02-21T16:13:00.000-08:00

BACK DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND!

(okay, one stinkin' e-mail)

This show was a little too big for its britches (because, frankly, too many of its characters weren't wearing any britches too much of the time) when it came out. Our local ABC affiliate didn't even broadcast the first few episodes because of adult content. Due to this, I didn't start watching the show until they started coming on the FX channel. One episode per night -- I was in a state of bliss! This is one amazing cop show, and the first few seasons were its finest. I believe the intent was for the show to be a vehicle for David Caruso, but when he left it became all Dennis Franz, as the bigoted, whore-banging mess of a cop, Andy Sipowicz.

Frankly, the show was at its best at the beginning when Andy was out of control. Watching him tear through every scene with a vengeance was riveting television. Seasons 2-6, where he partnered with Bobby Simone (Jimmy Smits) were the finest. If you see an episode with Ricky Schroeder or Mark-Paul Gosselaar, you won't miss much by flipping past it. Otherwise, give it a look-see.

As the series arched over twelve seasons Andy transformed from a heartbroken villain to a heartwarming teddybear/supercop. Of course, in those years Andy experienced enough misery to make Job look like Mark Cuban in comparison. His first partner gets fired, his son dies, HE almost dies, he's a recovering alcoholic, his wife dies, his second partner dies, his third partner dies.... most normal people (who aren't fed their dialogue from emmy-winning writers) would have leapt from the Chrysler building by that point. But not Andy. He was our rock for twelve years.

Oh, finally, the scene where Bobby Simone dies and that one tear sinks down his face -- ugghh! Second biggest choke-me-up scene I've ever witnessed. The biggest one? Stay tuned.

#3 The Larry Sanders Show

2007-02-13T10:21:00.001-08:00

The Larry Sanders Show is perhaps one of the most intimate, disturbing shows that ever dared to call itself a comedy. It's a back-stage look at a fictional talk show and it pulls no punches. Whereas some comedies set up gags or punchlines or ridiculous situations to earn your laughs, The Larry Sanders Show gets them in droves by being brutally honest in its realism. There are no gags or jokes to speak of. There is no laugh track. The humor is derived from the superb characters, most of whom are selfish, lonely, and miserable. It can be uncomfortable to watch, and sometimes you feel guilty laughing. But it's real. And real funny!

No flipping!

#4 The Sopranos

2007-02-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

We don't have HBO at our house. The Sopranos was a show I'd heard about for years before I ever got a chance to check it out on DVD. I'm a huge gangster movie fan. The Godfather makes my list of top 100 movies (I won't tell you where it ranks, but it rhymes with 'gun').

I must admit, I was terribly disappointed when I saw the first episode of The Sopranos. Some guy sitting in a psychiatrist's office whining about ducks? Are you kidding me? Surely this was not what everyone was raving about. But I persevered. And finally I understood what all the fuss was about. The Sopranos takes us into the private lives of gangsters like no movie ever could. We're able to see how Tony wrestles with the idea of being a family man and being a family man. I love gangster movies because of the intrigue and the action, but I also love character studies. The Sopranos, using the advantages of serial television, is able to combine both. Fuggetaboutit.

#5 The Twilight Zone

2007-02-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

Submitted for your approval. Five years of magic, horror, suspense and wonder. The anthology series that all anthology series will have to measure themselves against for all time. How many mini-masterpieces did this show bring to the tiny screen? The Midnight Sun, Eye of the Beholder, Walking Distance, The Invaders, Time Enough At Last, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, It's A Good Life, Five Characters in Search of an Exit, Deaths-Head Revisited, An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge ... I'll stop now. But I could go on and on.

That's the sign post up ahead...

#6 Scrubs

2007-02-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Unlike Frasier, where the humor is typically derived from sophisticated use of language and wit, Scrubs is just plain silly. And it makes me laugh. Hard. Alot.

Scrubs uses a technique I like to call the "Ally McBeal", in which a character's fantasy vision will take over and we see what they are imagining, usually with hilarious results. However, the show does offer life lessons, as experienced through the trials of Dr. Dorian (J.D.). Under a lesser creative force, these lessons might come off heavy-handed, but in Scrubs they always seem to work. So not only am I out of breath from laughing so hard, but I've learned something.

#7 Frasier

2007-02-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

It's the rare spin-off that tops its predecessor, but Frasier did just that. Frasier Crane started off as a peripheral character in the hit television show, Cheers, before moving to Seattle to host his own radio show. There we met his brother, Niles, his father, Martin, his producer, Roz, and his father's physical therapist / brother's future wife, Daphne. Frasier has a rare combination: smart, sophisticated humor that makes you laugh out loud. Many of the comedic setups have an almost Rube Goldberg quality to them and the writing is so tight that you never see the joke coming until it's too late. Frasier is one of the all-time great comedies.

#8 Sports Night

2007-02-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

If you look carefully, you'll note that the six-disc set above claims to feature THE ENTIRE SERIES. That's because this fantastic show only lasted two seasons before the brilliant minds at ABC pulled the plug. This was Aaron Sorkin at his finest. It was only a half hour show, but it felt like an hour because it was packed with great writing and fine acting. After this, Peter Krause (Casey McCall) went on to star in my #9 show, Six Feet Under. I don't know what ever became of Josh Charles (Dan Rydell).

#9 Six Feet Under

2007-02-07T15:22:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the newest member of the list. I caught a few moments of 'Six Feet Under' while channel surfing past Bravo a couple of months ago. The scene was just interesting enough to get me to hit the brakes. I finished watching the show and the next two that followed.

Sometimes channel surfing works!

It turns out I'm in the middle of season 3. I suppose I'll need to check out the first two years eventually, but suffice to say I'm completely absorbed right where I am. 'Six Feet Under' is a drama like no other that I've seen. It centers around the Fishers, a family that owns and operates a small independant funeral home. It's a slightly morbid premise, and one terrific aspect of the show is that it always starts out with a short scene showcasing the death of a random individual. Of course, it's an individual who will be brought to the Fisher's funeral home, but other than that, it typically has no connection with the overall narrative. But even though there's no connection, I find a profound meaning in the juxtaposition of random death vs. the chaotic life of the main characters. All of the drama takes place over the fragile surface of the possibility that life is meaningless. Brilliant.

[spoiler alert] Finally, I don't think a television show has ever moved me as much as when the character of Lisa went missing and then turned up dead. Lisa was a character that I didn't particularly like, but she became very real for me. When she disappeared I experienced a real sense of sorrow that I can't explain. I felt a strange pang of guilt -- they took her away without warning. I was still in the process of disliking her when it occurred to me that she might not ever come back. It was as almost as if I were wishing that my last thoughts of her had been kind, instead of negative. It was a powerful experience.

#10 Monday Night Football

2007-02-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

Mondays suck. But they suck a little less during the football season thanks to Monday Night Football.

MNF began in 1970 and ran on ABC for 25 years before moving to ESPN. *sigh* ESPN does their best, but they just don't seem to get the marquee games on a regular basis.

The trouble is, MNF was much harder on us East Coasters than anywhere else. A game would normally end well past midnight, which was bad for your Tuesday mornings.

It's hard to describe the coolness of a prime time game. On Sundays everyone's attention is scattered. So many games being played all over the place. And usually on Sunday you'd be hanging out with your buddies cuz that's what weekends are made for.

However, Monday nights are a completely different experience. You're probably alone, but you're enjoying that solitary experience with the rest of the country. Everyone is watching the same game and you're part of it.

I know there are people out there who don't give a hoot about sports. But to me, they're a part of what makes life good.

Top 50 TV (11-20)

2007-02-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

20. All in the Family
Archie Bunker may be one of the most fully realized sitcom characters ever. He's not only allowed to say and do funny things. He's also allowed to say and do awful things. Norman Lear gave us a fully fleshed-out bigot when he created Archie, and Carroll O'Conner portrayed him so brilliantly that it's damn near impossible to separate the character from the actor. Carroll O' Conner was a loud-mouthed bigot who was abusive to his sweet wife, wasn't he?

19. Thirtysomething
This was a big hit when I was twentysomething. I caught reruns of it when I was thirtysomething and really dug it. Now that I'm fortysomething I can't find it anywhere.

18. E.R.
E.R. started feeling ill when Dr. Ross was fired in season 5. It was diagnosed with a deadly disease when Dr. Benton left and Dr. Green died in season 8. It flatlined Dr. Romano was smooshed by helicopter. Time of death: Season 10.

17. Cheers
Everybody knew your name and what you'd be doing on Thursday nights.

16. Dick Van Dyke
What a great idea to make a show about a comedy sketch writer. I bet it made life alot easier for the writers. Now, if you had a funny idea, you didn't have to make it fit within the context of the show. Say, why did Sally have such a hard time finding a date? She was cute, funny, and had a decent figure. Oh, and MTM was smokin'

15. Rocky and Bullwinkle Show
Kids can watch this and laugh at the silly antics (and I did). Adults can watch this and laugh at the silly antics and appreciate the political commentary (and I do). Yea, it's there.

14. The Bugs Bunny / Road Runner Show
Simply the best cartoons evar! Bugs was one no-bullsh*t kinda rabbit, let me tell you. There are too many classic episodes of this show to mention, and it's hard to believe that many of them were created before I was even born. The fact that they were in color made them feel so contemporary, even fifty years later.

13. Little House on the Prairie
Michael Landon sure did know how to tell a good story. When I tell people how great this show is, many stare in disbelief. Okay, it could be a teensy bit hokey from time to time, but most of the time the melodrama works. Here's a fun game you can play at home. Watch a random episode of LHotP. If you can be the first one to figure out which non-regular character will die, you win!

12. Survivor
Okay, the game's really not about survival, it's more about politics. The hardships are certainly real, but your success in the game is based on your interpersonal relationships and an ability to fly under the radar. Let's face it, Superman couldn't win one of these things.

11. World Poker Tour
The show that started my addiction with poker. Thanks, Mom!

Top 50 TV (21-30)

2007-02-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

30. The Carol Burnett Show
When I was a kid my parents used to drop us off at my grandparent's house on Saturday nights. At the time, I used to think it was supposed to be a treat for us kids. Now, I realize it was intended as a treat for my parents. The highlight of those evenings was always watching 'The Carol Burnett Show' at 10 p.m. Remember when Tim Conway would crack up the entire cast during a skit? Harvey Korman could never hold it together. Priceless.

29. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Another show that hasn't quite earned its wings yet, but it's looking good so far. I love Aaron Sorkin's writing and his ability to showcase great ensemble casts. Perhaps his dialogue is too good to be true, but better to be too smart than too dumb, right?

28. Soap
This soap opera spoof of the Tates and the Campbells ran for five glorious years back in the 70s. At the time, I was too young to get the joke, but that didn't matter. The characters were goofy, the stories were fun (if a bit naughty for a kid), and the cliffhanger aspect was very cool. Billy Crystal played the first gay man on a network sitcom. Too bad it ruined his career.

27. Taxi
Any show that introduced me to Andy Kaufmann and Christopher Lloyd was bound to make this list.
"What does a yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
"What ... does ... a ... yellow ... light ... mean?"
"Slow down!"
"What .......... does ......... "

26. The West Wing
Aaron Sorkin again. Snappy patter and the coolest president ever? Maybe Mr. Sorkin should be President Bush's speech writer.

25. Lost
The television show that introduced me to the wonderful world of bit torrent (shhh!). I missed the first five episodes -- honestly, the premise didn't look that intriguing. Once the buzz became too powerful to ignore I learned that I could borrow (ahem) the episodes from the internet. Neat! Of course, once I raced through the first five episodes, having to wait an entire week for a new show was unbearable. My biggest worry with Lost was that the writers might not have a grand plan all worked out. As the show lumbered through its second season it seemed more obvious that the writers were making stuff up as they went along. I admit, I'm tired of being strung along. The premise has been stretched so thin it's almost not worth caring about anymore. Almost. The "fall finale" (wtf!) was the best episode in recent memory.

24. The Mary Tyler Moore Show
This is another one I watched at my grandparents' house on Mom and Dad's night off. If I recall correctly, it came on at 9 p.m. followed by Rhoda (blechh!). I didn't appreciate this one as much when it initially aired as I did when I got a little older. MTM was smokin'!

23. L.A. Law
This was probably the first night time "soap" that I got hooked on. I believe it was the very first episode where the chubby, nerdy lawyer man scored with the hot, sophisticated lawyer lady. He eventually married her. Yowza! I may have seriously considered entering law school at the time. Lawyers in gorilla suits. Lesbian lawyers lip-locking. And Rosalyn Shays falling down the elevator shaft wins my vote as the single best "OH SH*T" moment in TV history.

22. Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Crime doesn't pay. That concept has never been so brilliantly portrayed as on Alfred Hitchcock Presents. The bad guys never got away with anything on this show. I've always loved stories that had twisty, O. Henry endings, and this one was among the best in the genre. Classic television.

21. The Simpsons
The Simpsons is the very definition of Impulse Television Viewing. Like a candy bar at the checkout counter, I just can't help myself. The Simpsons was never appointment television. I don't have it on my Tivo. I never go shopping for an episode of The Simpsons, but when it's on I have to watch. And it's never failed to be hilarious.

(Coming up Next: the two greatest cartoon shows jockey for position, the term "game show" takes on a whole new meaning, and the world's most dangerous ottoman)

Top 50 TV (31-40)

2007-01-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

40. NFL PrimeTime
Nothing caps off a good day of football like watching the recaps and highlights of the games. Chris Berman is a treasure ("it's a fum-ble", "rumbling, bumbling, stumbling", "he could .. go .. all .. the .. way!")

39. 24
I missed this when it first aired, and rented it on a whim at the video store one day. I remember tearing through the first four episodes and then rushing back up to the video store before they closed to rent the next set. Subsequent seasons haven't kept me as spellbound, but that first season defines "edge-of-your-seat" television viewing.

38. Saturday Night Live
To be clear, I am specifically referring to the first cast only (including Bill Murray who joined a little later). John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Garret Morris, Jane Curtain, Lorraine Newman... am I forgetting anyone? To me, that was Saturday Night Live and I haven't watched a complete episode since that cast took their final bows. There's just no comparison.

37. American Justice
Bill Curtis is the only man who can smile and frown at the same time. He's the host of A&E's American Justice, an hour long documentary series featuring various crime investigations. I'm not sure if this series is currently in production. Seems like I only catch reruns when I tune in ("I've already seen this brutal murder!")

36. Heroes
Some geek buddies might consider it blasphemy that I'm putting this fantastic new series this low on the list. Hey, I like it, but I have to put things in perspective. The first season's not even over yet. If the writers and producers can keep the momentum going and sustain my interest over the long haul, it might move up on the list. Unlike Lost, which is quickly running out of interesting story, Heroes has the potential for substantial longevity once the initial story runs its course. I'm excited about the possibilities.

35. The Wonder Years
A nice, simple drama about a baby boomer growing up in the 60s. A show that never had to rely on hooks to pull its audience in. The main protagonist was the chasm that existed between the old-school, conservative father and the hippie generation that was reaching out for his children. Plus there was the pubescent tension between Kevin and Winnie. Tell me, what kid wouldn't have fallen head over heels for Winnie?

34. Howard Stern - The E! Show
You either get Howard Stern and he doubles you over with laughter on a consistent basis, or you don't, and he ... doesn't. My only problem with the E! show (which is, basically, the radio show) was that they typically aired the most uninteresting parts. Usually Howard talking to strippers or some wacky stunt. To me, Howard is at his funniest when he's just yapping about current events. I guess that doesn't play so well on a television program, which is all about the eye candy. *sigh*

33. Not Necessarily The News
Do you remember this comedy series that aired years ago on HBO? It had elements of a skit show (a la Saturday Night Live) but it also heavily featured current event news footage with hilarious audio overdubs or clever editing. I think my favorite was when they showed the funeral parade of Anwar Sadat with a giant Bullwinkle balloon flying overhead. Er, you had to be there.

32. The Colbert Report
[pronounced Colber' Repor']
Stephen Colbert's hilarious take on The Bill O'Reilly Show where he lampoons all things conservative. I've never seen The Daily Show, so I wasn't aware of the existence of Colbert until I caught him channel surfing (I was channel surfing, not him).A highly energetic show that's quick on its feet.

31. Late Night With David Letterman (NBC)
Please note the title. This is not The Late Show with David Letterman. Mr. Letterman is a funny guy no matter what network he's on, but his days at NBC were his best. That's when he was a real rebellious scoundrel. I wouldn't say he's gone entirely mainstream since he arrived at CBS. This is even more evident when you compare him to the milktoast "comedy" provided by his main competition, Jay Leno. Letterman is still irreverant, but age and money have cooled his heels a bit.

(Coming up next: the first gay sitcom character, the first lesbian kiss, and the first immigrant mechanic from ... well, we're not really sure where he's from)

Top 50 TV (41-50)

2007-01-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

50. Sex In The City
Hey, I didn't plan for it to happen. I don't think I ever would have started watching this show if it hadn't been for the fact that I lived with someone who watched it religiously. Much to her chagrin, I spent much of the time yelling at the women on the screen. They basically drove me nuts. Even so, I found some of the story lines compelling enough that, by the end, I started tuning into the show on my own. What can I say? #50 is the very definition of a guilty pleasure.

49. Biography
Maybe one day I'll be famous enough to have my life story boiled down to an hour (including commercials).

48. Desperate Housewives
This black comedy was actually quite good in its first season. It floundered in the second season and I haven't returned. I fear that it may have gotten too cute for its own good.

47. Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
Fat Albert was one of my heroes as a kid. He was fat, but all the kids loved and respected him. He rarely got teased and he was as wise (and as wide) as a mountain. At the time I didn't realize that he was just Bill Cosby dressed up in a fat suit. But maybe I wouldn't have cared.

46. Jeopardy!
In the 50s, the gameshow '21' was on trial for giving its contestants the answers to questions. You might say, they put themselves in ... jeopardy?That's the inspiration for this show, as well as its namesake. Contestants get the answers first, yet this time around it's all perfectly legal! It's amazing to me that the show has remained popular for so many years. Those questions are tough. Maybe it's just that you feel so good when you finally can answer one.

45. The White Shadow
A white basketball coach teaching in the ghetto. A show about acceptance and tolerance on both sides of the ball. Sometimes I feel like the White Shadow in my own classrooms. Except my kids would probably prefer basketball to English.

44. The Muppet Show
In the late 70s I was entering my teen years. My family had a tradition of going out to eat on Friday nights, but I was too cool to hang out with them. Instead, I'd sit at home, make my own dinner and watch The Muppet Show (at 7:30) and Donny and Marie (at 8:00). How cool was I?
(I'll spoil the surprise now. Donny and Marie did not make the top 50)

43. Get Smart
One of the first shows my dad and I watched together.

42. My So-Called Life
This show only lasted from August of 1994 to January of 1995. Claire Danes played an insecure teenager (is there any other type) wrestling with her own issues as her parents were breaking apart. A smart, wonderful drama that was never given time to breathe.

41. Twin Peaks
This only held my imagination captive for one season, but what a weird, wonderful season it was. Television had never seen anything this bizarre. Unfortunately, once the murder of Laura Palmer was solved, there was nothing left to hold the balloon down, and it floated away.

(coming up next: Sports! Comedy! and probably the biggest hit of the fall 2006 season!)

Top Fifty Television Shows

2007-01-28T10:15:00.000-08:00

Hey I'm back!
Anyone who has read this blog or knows me at all knows that I love lists. Who knows why. Maybe it's just a way of cleaning up my brain. All these thoughts left lying around - a list is kind of like a broom used to sweep them up and put them in order. I hate a messy brain.
I don't know why I'm choosing television shows this time around. Perhaps it's because lately I've been considering giving up television for good. I think, on average, I watch much less television than the average citizen. I fully subscribe to the notion that 99% of what pops up on that screen is not worthy of my time. Idiot Box? Boob Tube? Yea, I believe most of the time that it is.
On the other hand, it seemed silly to give up that 1% that made me smile, laugh, cry, shout, think. Then I got to thinking, what were the television programs that I cared enough about not to want to unplug the damn thing and never return.
My initial list came to about 100 shows. I really had to stretch, including shows that meant something to me at some time in my life. Good Times. Elery Queen. Welcome Back Kotter. Then I realized that, as entertaining as those shows were, they were not enough to warrant this piece of furniture remaining in the corner of my living room. I had to cut the list further. For the record, if I had kept the original number, you would have seen Leave it to Beaver as #100. And that only made the list because it was fun waiting to hear June say, "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."
Okay, so top 50! Where to begin? Oh, why not #50? You'll note that I've included every type of show, whether it be comedy, drama, sports, game shows, documentary, etc. The only requirement was that it was a series of some sort. As wonderful as it was, I didn't include Roots. Even though it helped coin the phrase, mini-series, it was really just a long movie stretched out over several night. I also didn't include annual shows like the Academy Awards or the Super Bowl, even though I watch them every year.
I could delve further into the type of show I'm likely or unlikely to choose, but instead, why not just check out my list?

You're Only As Old As You ... Look

2006-11-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

I was at the bank today, attempting to make a deposit. The teller was having some difficulty typing in my information. She must have asked me my account number three times.

"Oh, I see," she replied. "I must have been looking at the wrong line. I guess your eyes start to go when you hit thirty."

First of all, she looked quite older than thirty. Maybe late thirties. Maybe.

"Tell me about it," I said. "I just turned forty this year."

Her eyes widened.

"Forty? You're not forty, you're just a baby."

I swear that's what she said.

"Look at my license," I told her. "Born in 1966. August."

"You look so young. You're just a baby."

That was starting to sound a little weird.

"You look like you just turned twenty. What do you eat to stay so young looking?"

I backed up to show her my not inconsiderable frame. Not that my second chin wasn't somewhat of a clue.

"What can I say? I'm a health nut."

She laughed and completed my deposit.

I didn't have the heart to tell her she didn't look her age, either.

Wii Don't Need No Education

2006-11-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

Here is a short review of my initial (note that) impressions of the Nintendo Wii.

==

The controller: Okay, it's neat. Is it ultimately going to make for
satisfying game experiences? The jury is still out. The free-wheeling
aspect of the control *seems* to offer more intuitive gameplay while
making it less exact. Yes, it's easier to just swing my arm as if I
were swinging a tennis racket or baseball bat. But how precise do my
movements have to be in order to be successful? If the answer is "not
very precise" then what's the point? If the answer is "very precise"
then the physical aspect of the gameplay may become an insurmountable
annoyance for some. In games that don't simulate real physical
activity (like Tetris or PacMan) I hope there will be an option just
to sit on my sofa and mash buttons instead of having to dance around
the room.
Speaking of that, the controller icon seemed pretty steady up to 12
feet away from the unit. Further than that (across the room) and it
shook pretty bad. Not so bad that you can't play a game, but bad
enough that it makes typing memos problematic.

The games: Well, I can only really comment on the Wii Sports package
that came with the unit. They are pretty simple contests that serve
mostly to showcase the ways you can use the Wii controller. For
example, baseball is only a three-inning game, and golf offers nine
holes maximum. Tennis only allows doubles play. Bowling seems to be
the most complete of the five games. You can actually bowl an entire
ten frames. It's pretty easy, though. I'm not a bowler, but a strike
is not difficult to pull off in this version. I didn't try boxing.
In all, it feels like a very nice demo package, which is fine. It will
be fun to break this out with a group of friends just messing around.
As a solo activity it wore thin after about twenty minutes (19 to be
exact. Wii keeps track of time played.)

The online: Not much you can do with this yet. The browser isn't
available, as aren't the news and weather features.
I understand that NES games will sell for $5, SNES games
will sell for $10. Not sure the price of the other systems. That aspect
of Wii-ownership will be very cool.

The Nutshell: Kids will go ape for this. Slinging the
control over, under and around their heads and bodies is something for
which I'm sure they'll have infinite patience. As a grown man (?) that
has less time for that nonsense, I'll be happy grinding it out on the
PS2 and GameCube until I splurge for the kink-free PS3 in 2008.

Wii Be Chillin'

2006-11-19T19:53:00.001-08:00

Sometime Around Noon, Saturday, November 18, 2006

I arrive at the location with two shirts, a jacket, and my beach basket / care package. Inside the basket: a PSP, a book ("A Confederacy of Dunces"), and an mp3 player which I had forgotten to charge. Other things forgotten: a chair, a blanket, gloves, a hat, and long underwear.

My buddy, Jake, had arrived about an hour earlier and was sixth in line. There were four people behind him when I got there, and they were nice enough to give me the 7th space in line. It was a simple, kind gesture that was indicative of the next twenty-one hours I would spend with these folks.

12:30 pm

Jake and I compare our goodie bags. He has brought a Game Cube with a tiny screen, a laptop with wi-fi internet, a book (some fantasy thing), and a portable DVD player which he had forgotten to charge.

1:00 pm

There is a rumor that the Circuit City across the street will be opening at midnight. Some people in line consider abandoning their post and getting in that line instead. As the rumor circulates, people whip out cell phones trying to verify one way or the other. I ask the simple question -- is it simply a matter of walking over there and asking? Well, yes, but no one wanted to lose their place in line. I volunteer to walk over and inquire as long as I could have my place back in line upon my return. All agreed that this was right and good, and further solidified our committment as Nintendo Comrades.

1:15 pm

The rumors are untrue. Not only do I find out that they will not open at midnight, but that they will only have 18-20 units to sell upon opening.

2:00 pm

A sign is posted outside Best Buy. The store will have 102 units. This is good news, but it also suggests that we gave up a few unnecesary hours to arrive so early. It would turn out that the 102nd person would not arrive until early the next morning -- one hour before the units would go on sale. Ah well, better safe than warm and comfortable, I always say.

2:30 pm

A gentleman in line (#22) suggests that we write our place in line on our hands with a black sharpie. He remarks that he had done this during the PS3 launch a few days prior and that it had worked out very well. Although the numbers don't have any official validity, they do strengthen our resolve as a group in defense of those who might try to sneak in line unfairly.

3:00 pm

I remember I have a copy of Trax in the car. This is a two-player tile game with nice, thick plastic tiles which will be very suitable for outdoor play. I play a game of it with Jake, and a teenager in line, Chase (#11), asks me to teach him. We sit down and play several games together, including one memorable game in which I forgot which color I was and promptly won the game for him. As we are playing, a man walks up from behind, throws eleven cents on the ground next to us and says, "f*cking losers" as he walks away.

3:30 pm

After the number-writing campaign, it is an unspoken agreement that we can leave and return to the line at will for reasonable periods of time. I visit a local Subway and am delighted to find they have a buy-one-get-one-free sale on 12-inch subs. This will save me money and time. Excellent! Thank you, Subway.

4:00 pm

Jake's daughter, Stacy, arrives with two large hot chocolates. Unfortunately, Jake had just left to go get food so that's two hot chocolates for me, yay! It may be the best hot chocolate I have ever consumed.

4:30 pm

A man rushes out of the Best Buy with an XBOX 360. I think little of it (perhaps the cold has numbed my reaction muscle) but it turns out he had stolen it. He's probably enjoying it right now.

5:00 pm

My buddy, Kelly, shows up for moral support and to poke fun. By this time I'm seated on the concrete ground leaning against a concrete pole. It's actually not too uncomfortable, but Kelly asks me if I'd like a chair. He has a folding one in his car. I'm not too sure about this, because most folding chairs tremble at the sight of me approaching. But he says his brother uses it all the time and he's approximately my size. The thought of collapsing a folding chair in front of all these people is quite unappealing, but Kelly insists so I give it a shot. It works, and my knees are forever in Kelly's debt.

5:30 pm

The couple in front of us (#4-5) have arranged their blankets and the concrete poles to provide a fort-like tent. I want a fort-like tent.

6:00 pm

Stacy returns with her Mom, Lisa (Jake's wife) and this time they have brought blankets and ear-warmers. Kelly was even nice enough to go buy me a knit cap. Friends are f*ckin' awesome.

8:00 pm

It has been dark for a few hours. Kelly, Stacy and Lisa have left by now. Jake, ten years younger than me, has made friends with many of the young men in the crowd, and is partying like a frat boy. I'm more content to bunker down with my new chair/blanket/cap between the fort and the huge tent that Chase's Mom (#12) brought for him and his friends. It's around this time that I realize my mp3 player is out of juice. Crap! My music was key to my survival. I pulled out my PSP and played a few hands of poker, took a few snaps in Madden, played a few holes of Hot Shots Golf, and created a few 2x2 cubes of similar color in Lumines. However, as the temperature started to drop, it became more and more difficult to concentrate on gaming. It was frustrating and annoying. I needed entertainment that didn't require concentration or thought. I needed music. Shucks, darn!

9:00 - 10:30 pm

It becomes increasingly important to schedule potty breaks wisely before Best Buy closes for the night. Those two large cups of hot chocolate would come back to haunt me in the hours leading up to dawn.

10:45 pm

One last bathroom break before the doors close. I buckle down and buy a cheap portable CD player ($18) and a couple CDs to get me through the night. 70s soul classics and 80s pop hits. Music is important.

11:00 pm

Best Buy closes. We are alone...

...and the party starts, baby! No less than two TVs are brought out of cars, charged by generators and car batteries. They play XBOX, GameCube, PS2, you name it. These guys are prepared. Later they watch DVDs. I make myself comfortable in my cocoon, but the world outside is in the mood to celebrate. The fort-tent on my right has now grown into a fort-condo, including all of the first five people in line with various blankets and coverings. Surprisingly, they tell us that it is quite comfirtable inside. They could have kept that tidbit to themselves.

A guy drives by on the boulevard and screams out his car window, "You f*cking losers!"

11:00 pm - 2:00 am

Eventually, things start to settle down. The weather continues to drop. I've listened to both CDs by now and even music starts to get annoying. The very act of sitting still in this cold air is annoying. I mean, it's not unbearably cold, but longjohns would have made my life alot more comfortable. My nether regions are a chilly, barren wasteland.

Jake is watching "Big Trouble In Little China" on his portable DVD player. By this time I've found a small alcove of trees on the side of the building that makes for a perfect restroom. It almost seems like it was designed expressly for this purpose.

3:30 am

I've been spending the time walking up and down the line and sitting in my chair. Both serve to relieve the annoying parts of the other. When I'm tired of sitting in one space looking at the traffic lights, I get up and walk. When I'm tired of walking back and forth in the cold, I sit down and bundle myself up. Jake decides to try to sleep for a couple hours and actually can. I'm impressed and a bit jealous. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in these conditions.

4:00 am

Some guy thinks it would be funny to drive into the parking lot and honk his horn, waking any would-be sleepers.

4:30 am

A car alarm goes off in the parking lot. Twice. Jake wakes up. I mention that I'm hungry and he offers me some lunch meat and bread from his car. I devour a couple sandwiches.

5:00 am

I can stand it no longer. I get in my car and crank up the heat. I decide I'm going to just drive around the block a few times and warm up. I then notice that the McDonalds drive thru across the street is open. I grab some breakfast while the heat pumps over me and into my bones.

6:00 am

The crowd begins to stir. They will be handing out the tickets in two hours. There's not alot of activity, but here and there, people are starting to wake up and mill about. A policeman shows up and sits in his car. There go the bathroom breaks. Best Buy employees start arriving. They will not let us in because they want to enjoy watching us suffer for another three hours. This is what we choose to believe.

7:00 am

Everyone is awake by now and the excitement is starting to build. Word spreads up and down the line that all trash needs to be picked up and tents and chairs put away by 8:00 or they will not hand out any tickets. This is verified by some of the folks who sat outside during the PS3 launch.

8:00 am

It is verified by the write-on-hand guy (#22) that we have reached 102. This is somehow satisfying to all of us. Just knowing that at least one person would be turned away who arrived before the store opened somehow justifies and rationalizes our sacrifice. It is now officially time for Best Buy employees to pass out tickets.

8:26 am

Tickets are passed out. My bladder is near bursting. Knowing I have a full half hour before the doors open, I rush across to McDonalds to use their restroom. Ah, relief. Everything is always better with an empty bladder.

8:45 am

The couple in line ahead of us is only buying one unit. They realize that they could sell one ticket (ie, a place in line). The girl sells it for $45. Personally, I would have held out for at least $100.

9:04 am

They finally open their doors, four minutes late!!! They allow ten of us in at a time. We are guided past a table filled with controllers, accessories, and games, none of which I am buying today. I just want the console. I am given permission to approach a cashier who puts a console in my hands for the first time. She asks whether I would like an extended warranty. I very politely say no thank you. She reminds me that with a full warranty they would replace the entire machine even if just a controller was broken.

"No", I reply, with a cold steel glare. "You just asked me and I said no and now I'm saying no again." My patience meter is on EMPTY. I can only hope that she learned her lesson in dealing with someone who had spent the last 21 hours in the cold.

Be careful. Wii might bite.

Wii Got The Funk

2006-11-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not a hardcore videogame fan. The last videogame console I owned (before I had kids) was the Atari 2600. I never owned an NES, a Super NES, or a Sega Genesis. Sure, I had played them alot, since I had friends who owned them, but it never occurred to me to actually buy one for myself.

When the kids got old enough to appreciate such a toy (4 & 6), we bought a used Nintendo 64 from Electronic Boutique and an assortment of games they would appreciate (various games with the words 'Mario' or 'Pokemon' in the title seemed like safe bets). And hey, it was kinda cool having a videogame system in the house. It still wasn't my primary source of home entertainment, but it was fun all the same.

Not long after, I picked up a Sony Playstation. We still focused on games for the kids, but I did pick up most of the sports titles, including, naturally, all the Maddens. Our family also became quite obsessed with Crash Bandicoot. I count these times as some of the best I ever spent with my family, laughing and passing around the controller as we shared a single game together. Crash was very similar to Mario. You would walk/run/jump through an increasinly hostile environment with the ultimate goal of ... something. I think you were trying to save your girlfriend in both games.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that the Sony Playstation was the first new system I had purchased since the days of the Atari. And the point of that point is to point out that I'm really not a hardcore videogame fan, which is what I said at the beginning of this post. I can admit that I do enjoy them, sometimes a great deal. And it's always fun buying new videogames "for the kids" because most times I end up enjoying them, too. We have a PS2 (mostly for the older son) and a GameCube (mostly for the younger daughter). There are a few games that cross those older/younger, male/female boundaries. For example, my son enjoys the Pokemon games for the Cube, and my daughter loves Dog's Life and the Horse Adventure games for the PS2.

We have no XBOX machine, primarily because there just aren't enough titles that interest my family. Besides, two videogame systems is enough.

When the Wii was announced (first, as the Nintendo Revolution) it seemed like just that, a revolution. Never satisfied with merely upgrading the hardware and graphics of their new consoles, Nintendo likes to upgrade via innovative gameplay. Instead of playing the same old games with sharper graphics and quicker processing times, Nintendo tries to offer something completely different. It's an approach I respect and applaud.

The price was right, too. The Nintendo Wii sells for $250, half the price of a Playstation 3. I broke the news early to my son that I would not be shelling out $500-600 for a PS3, and he was fine with it. He's still enjoying his PS2, and has many games still on his wishlist for that system. I can't really find a good reason to upgrade.

The Wii, on the other hand, has a new controller system that everyone is talking about. It's much simpler than most game controllers. It's movement-sensitive. Instead of pressing a button (or series of buttons) on a controller, you simply move the controller through the air as if you were really performing that action. The Wii comes with a selection of simple sports titles that takes advantage of this simple control technique. I'm still curious to see how this little remote wand will handle some of the more complex titles like, for instance, Madden. It should be interesting.

So the kids were pretty excited about the new Nintendo Wii, and I guess I hinted that it might make for a good Christmas present. Unfortunately, I had never experienced the phenomenon known as a system launch. I mean, I know, logically, that there must be a first day for any particular item to go on sale. And I guess I knew that console launches could be pretty popular. But I had never been personally invested in one. The PS2 and the Cube had been out for at least a year before we bought them, so there was never a sense of urgency in getting one before Christmas. You walk in, you purchase the item, you walk out.

I learned about a week ago that it wouldn't be that simple for the Wii. We were browsing in a Game Stop and I casually asked the clerk about putting a pre-order in for the new Nintendo console. A pre-order seemed like a wise thing to do. Best not to wait until the last minute, right?

The clerk replied, "Oh, we stopped taking pre-orders for the Wii a while back."

Boy, did that send off the alarms in my head. Er, uh? Excuse me? Not good.

I gradually became aware that if I wanted to guarantee myself a Wii by Christmas, my best bet would be to stand in a long line on the morning of the launch. A morning that might include some of the previous evening. Out of doors. In November.

I'm probably too old to have even considered such a silly proposition. But that kind of thinking usually makes me even more determined to do something. The fact that I probably shouldn't do it made it all the more appealing. Besides, I've got the greatest kids in all explored space. They're the kind of kids who really make a parent proud. I could certainly justify sacrificing a little comfort to provide them with a great Christmas gift. They deserve it.

So I did. And you can read about my adventures in the next installment.

Football Talk

2006-11-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

Preoccupied With 1985
Being a Miami Dolphins (1-6) fan, I haven't had alot to say this season. Going in to today's game against the Chicago Bears (7-0) as a two touchdown underdog ... well, it just seemed like a suicide mission.

Until you consider the history of these two teams.

On December 2, 1985, the Dolphins defeated the 12-0 Bears 38-24. This was the only loss of the Bears' season and ensured that the Dolphins would remain the only team in the National Football League to have a perfect season (1972).

This year things are a little different. The 2006 Bears are 7-0, but they're not nearly as convincing as the 1985 Bears. If you recall, they had difficulty beating the Cardinals two weeks ago. The Cardinals, for crying out loud. You just can't strut when you almost get defeated by the least successful organization in NFL history.

And those 1985 Dolphins? We ended up 12-4 and lost to the Patriots in the AFC Championship. We were a force. The 2006 Dolphins are in a rebuilding year (rebuilding year = any year in which you suck). If you just look at the numbers, the Chicago Bears should have had no trouble with us today.

And yet ...

The Dolphins defeated the Bears 31-13. The Bears, probably looking ahead to their matchup against the Giants next week, overlooked two things: (1) The Dolphins have the 5th best defense in the league, and (2) they have to defend their undefeated season. One gets the feeling that if the Bears had come into that game 6-1, they would have steamrolled the fish pretty much like everyone expected. But, seeing that they had the opportunity to help maintain their unprecendented 17-0 run of 1972, the 'Fins had that little extra incentive to get the job done.

Job well done.

T.O...O.L.
Can someone please explain why Bill Parcells continues to put up with Terrell Owens' antics every week? Coach Parcells should have unleashed an unholy torrent at Owens after his "nap" in the endzone. Instead, Parcells gave him a little talking to and Terrell blew his top. Excuse me? This is the second week in a row that Owens has, literally, dropped the ball when his team needed him. Um, Mr. Jones, I can drop passes just as well as T.O. and I'll only ask for a tenth of his salary. Call me.

For Whom The Snoop Roots?
The undefeated Colts take on the leader of the AFC East, the New England Patriots. This could have been a game for the ages. Maybe it would have been if Tom Brady had thrown just one less interception. Instead, a late, potentially game tying drive morphed into another Colts Victory. 27-20. Oddly enough, I wasn't sure who to root for. A Colts win makes them the only remaining undefeated team in the league. Frankly, I love the Colts. And, I have to admit, I love to love them. Tony Dungy is a class act. Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison are class acts who are so cool that they don't have to act like jackasses after any given miracle. They do their job well and just walk off the field like it's no big deal. The NFL clowns who think every caught pass, tackle, or open field run is worthy of a celebration dance would do well to follow their example.

But, as a Dolphins fan, I don't want them to go undefeated. I want that record to remain intact. I want the surviving members of the 1972 team to continue the annual tradition of celebrating the fall of the last unbeaten team by cracking open a bottle of champagne.

On the other hand, if the Patriots win, that puts them farther ahead in the division, and that's not good. A win puts them five games ahead, instead of just four. Yea, who am I kidding, right? The Dolphins are in the wrong division to play catch-up. Gaining one game on the Patriots is hard enough, but four?

At any rate, the Colts did win. I will continue to root for them to lose one game. Then I hope they win every other, including the Super Bowl, like they should have last year.

Duh?

2006-10-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

Swing And A Miss...

2006-10-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I was pretty excited about some of the new shows coming down the pike this season. Excited, and perhaps a bit concerned that I was going to be spending too much time sitting in front of my television. The hours-per-week were starting to creep up on me.

Fortunately, I've found three shows that I think I'm going to take a pass on this fall. That's three extra productive hours per week. Now if I can just convince myself to use them productively, we might have a real success story on our hands.

Here were the three shows that didn't pass muster:

Jericho
This one had a lot of promise. I gave it three full episodes before I decided to pull the plug. Honestly, I've found that I couldn't give two squirts what happens to the residents of Jericho. The narrative just isn't all that compelling. Or perhaps it's just that I can't hear the narrative behind the continuous musical soundtrack. Whether it's pumping techno rock (to remind me to be concerned) or sweeping piano and violins (to remind me to be sad) it just doesn't stop! Give it a rest, maestro.

Friday Night Lights
Watching an episode of Friday Night Lights is like watching an hour long commercial for Friday Night Lights. Nothing sticks. You're here one minute - you're there the next. The story is never allowed to settle into a groove. It's also a victim of the popular we're-too-hip-to-afford-a-tripod look. Too bad. This one looked like it could be good.

Kidnapped
Wow, talk about style over substance. Another psychotic drama that's too cool for the room. This is a story about a kidnapped child, people. It's not a rap video. I would write more, but I couldn't get past the first ten minutes of the pilot.

A Redskin Fan For One Day

2006-10-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

My brother surprised me Sunday morning by asking whether I'd be interested in accompanying him to see the Washington Redskins play the Jacksonville Jaguars at Fedex Field in Landover, Maryland. Mike has been a Redskins fan since he was four years old. He has an entire Redskins wardrobe (including an autographed helmet), Redskins mugs, plates, buttons, wastebasket -- just about anything anyone ever sold with a Redskins logo on it. His license plate reads 82 SKINS. That's the year they beat my Dolphins in Super Bowl XVII.

After today's generous offer, I suppose I can finally forgive him. Besides, I'd never been to a live NFL game.

The game didn't start until 4:15. Since the D.C. area is only four hours away, we figured leaving at 11:00 a.m. would give us plenty of time. Of course, we didn't count on the horrible traffic. About ten minutes after exiting the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel we hit stop-n-go traffic that lasted nearly an entire hour. I'm usually pretty sympathetic whenever I have to sit in such a mess. I figure it means that someone is having a much worse day than I am. But after an hour I was at my wits end. This was going to be cutting it closer than we figured.

After that we had clear sailing until we hit 495. Then another backup stalled us. We pretty much realized that we were going to be late. The silver lining to our dark cloud is that we were able to listen to the entire Colts-Jets game on the radio. What an incredible finish.

We finally parked the car at about 4:15. Great timing, right? Well, no. See, we couldn't park at the stadium. We had to park at one of the satellite parking lots and walk to a bus that would take us to the stadium. Oh, and that was a good 3/4 mile hike. Did I mention that we paid $30 for this privilege?

When we arrived at the stadium it took us another ten minutes to climb to our seats. Up six flights of a spiraling ramp, and then what amounted to about three flights of stairs. Yes, we were at the very top. After settling in my very narrow seat (I would have paid $20 for another inch) I looked at the clock. 15:00. Start of the 2nd quarter. Jacksonville 10, Washington 7. *sigh* We had already missed two touchdowns and a field goal. I figured with my luck, that would be the final score.

The good news: despite what you might think, the seats were decent. Of course, closer would have been better, but we could see everything just fine. And the atmosphere of a live sporting event is just incredible. For safety reasons, I decided that I'd better become a Redskins fan, at least for one day. I was high-fiving when they did well, and I was moaning when they screwed up. Honestly, I really started to get into it, and it wasn't only because I wanted my brother to see his team win. I became a part of the mob mentality. When the Redskins were up ten points midway though the third quarter, it was party central. After the Jaguars mounted their comeback to tie it up, you could feel the exasperation. I heard the words, "here we go again" by more than one spectator. And I really started rooting for the Redskins to pull it out. I don't know why. Maybe because if I had to decide whether I wanted the 80,000 people in my general vicinity to be happy or unhappy, the former might make for a more pleasant experience.

Unbelievably, the game went into OT. 30-30. My first live NFL game, and not only do I get a barn-burner, I get a last minute field goal to send it into overtime. Before Scobee's kick I told Mike, "Well, this is it. Either you get your win or I get an overtime game."

Fortunately, we got both. The Redskins won an extremely important coin toss and marched down the field in three plays, ending in a spectacular 68-yard pass to Santana Moss for the game-winning touchdown.

Well, it wasn't quite that simple. After the touchdown, everyone in the stadium thought the game was over. It was jubilation and pandemonium. And then I looked on the big screen and saw the officials huddled. I think I may have been the only one in the place to notice it, because while everyone else was jumping and screaming, I was thinking, "Oh no, what now?"

It's funny how on TV, you always know what's going on. If there's a penalty or timeout or whatever ... the announcers will tell you. That doesn't always happen during a live game. Sometimes play will stop and you're not sure why. Hell, sometimes a quarter ends and you don't even realize it. What had happened in this case was that the catch/TD was being challenged. Apparently someone thought he had stepped out of bounds. It certainly looked clean from where I was sitting. Of course, from where I was sitting, my mother could have been one of the referees and I wouldn't have been able to tell.

As the referee made his way to the middle of the field I was literally nervous. If this game-winning touchdown were to be overturned, I didn't know what the crowd would do.

Fortunately, the play stood as called and we got to celebrate again. Two for one celebration sale. I was hooting and hollering like I'd been a Redskin fan all my life. I just couldn't help it.

An hour and a half later we were back at our car. Yes, it took us an hour and a half. A long wait for the bus. A long bus ride. And that 3/4 mile. And then it was time for the four hour drive home, where we sat in another traffic jam. Thank goodness that phenomenal game made it all worth it.

Thanks, Mikey!

Are They SIRIUS?

2006-09-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

One of the channels on Sirius Satellite Radio is called 'Classic Rewind.' In a nutshell, it's classic rock for people my age. For the most part, they play rock 'n' roll ranging from the late 70s to the early 90s. Understandably, I figured I was right in their key demographic. That is, until I heard one of their blurbs this afternoon sitting in my car. If I may paraphrase:

"Not a fan of Aerosmith's earlier music? You prefer their catalog of songs from the 80s and 90s! Jamie's Got a Gun! Love in an Elevator! Dude Looks Like a Lady! That's real rock and roll. That's YOUR rock and roll, here on Classic Rewind."

Now, please permit me to paraphrase my response:

"WHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGEEEEUUUUUCCCCHHHHNNNNGGGGHHH!!!!!!"

Or something to that effect. If you were driving in Virginia Beach today and you saw a silver Honda CRV rocking violently back and forth sometime around 2:30pm on Pleasant Valley Road, that was me.

Here's a music truth for you all: Aerosmith died in 1986. That was the year they re-recorded 'Walk This Way' with Run DMC. Not only was that a key moment in the popularization of rap music (a crime in itself), it marked the spot where Aerosmith traded in their sexy brand of blistering, funk-rock for bland, radio-friendly circus-rock.

Hey, it's their purse strings, they can do what they want. But if they really believe they've been anywhere close to musically relevant in the last two decades, well..

Dream on.

Hero Worship

2006-09-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or is this turning into one of the more interesting television seasons in recent memory?

First, let's consider all of the great shows that are returning: How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs, Lost, Survivor, and to a lesser extent, might-watch television programs like Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. Add in football and various poker shows and this is already way more TV than I'm used to watching.

Studio 60 was a welcome surprise, and now, from the same network, we get a show about real life super heroes. No, I'm not talking about firemen, policemen or teachers. I'm talking about powers that extend beyond the municipal. For instance, the ability to fly, or see the future, or communicate with teenagers. Heh, just kidding about that last one. You can suspend disbelief only so far.

In a nutshell, the show deals with a disparate group of individuals who are suddenly and traumatically thrown together and will have to deal with some crazy sh*t, which may or may not have to do with the end of the world as we know it. In other words, it's NBC's answer to Lost. That's not a criticism, however. The first episode did the concept justice and I'm already excited about settling in for the long term. Compare this to ABC's Invasion, which caused serious side effects when combined with alcohol.

Up next is Friday Night Lights, which looks like it could be another winner. It's a great time to be a Tivo owner. I don't think I've watched this much TV since 5th grade.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

2006-09-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Aaron Sorkin is back.

The man behind such brilliant television programs as 'Sports Night' and 'The West Wing' is now bringing us 'Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.' It looks like it will have the unfortunate time slot of 10pm on Monday night, opposite, you know, that football thing on the other network. Of course, that's why God invented the DVR.

Honestly, this show wasn't even on my radar. I just happened to catch a recording of it while visiting a friend's house and saw those magic words appear on the screen: Created by Aaron Sorkin. And the show did not disappoint. 'Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip' is a television show about television. It's based on a live, late-night sketch comedy show, much like Saturday Night Live. It's refreshing to see a network television show that dares to take shots, albeit carefully aimed, at itself.

If you're not a Sorkin fan, you should be. 'Sports Night' and 'The West Wing' are two of the smartest shows to appear on network television. It's been awhile since I watched 'The West Wing' and I'm not even sure it's still on (when Sorkin left, so did I). 'Sports Night' had a cracking wit, but the rapid-fire repartee was somewhat jarring and not at all realistic. Imagine a world where it doesn't take hours to come up with the perfect comeback line. Imagine a world where you never wake up in the middle of the night thinking, "Oh, I should have said that!" That's the world of 'Sports Night.' Every employee in that office must have walked around thinking, "Man, everyone here has brilliant comedic timing."

'The West Wing' eased off the machine-gun banter, but only slightly. Those people worked in the White House, not on a dumb sports show. They're supposed to be brilliant.

And now Mr. Sorkin has come back full circle, giving us a television show about a television show. It's a little darker, and a little more relaxed than the other two. And since it's a show about a comedy show you can understand how at least some of the characters might have a built-in sense of humor. In fact, one of the comedy writers is played by Matthew Perry (aka Friends' Chandler Bing). It's an inspired piece of casting. No longer a goofy friend, 'Studio 60' shows that Matthew Perry is perfectly capable of swinging a heavier bat.

And if the stellar pilot is any indication, 'Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip' looks like it could be another home run for Aaron Sorkin. Check it out. You won't be disappointed.

Dance Fever

2006-09-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing straight before we go any further.

I don't dance.

Well, let me clarify that a bit further: I don't dance in public. If I'm alone in my house and a good song comes on, I can get down with the best of them. But I have to be alone. No one is ever allowed to see me dance. That's the rule.

One more point of clarification: I don't count slow dancing in that rule. Slow dancing really isn't dancing. It's just hugging someone gently and moving back and forth. That's fine.

So we're clear? Good. Let me get back to my story.

I was out at a bar last night...

Hold it right there. Let's get one thing straight before we go any further.

I don't do bars.

First of all, I'm not a drinker. Never have been. I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I don't think I'd like the idea of being out of control (ie, drunk). I've never been drunk. I don't plan on ever being drunk. Benjamin Franklin once said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." From what I've read, Mr. Franklin was a wise and brilliant man, but that quote will have to go unverified by me.

So, suffice to say, me being in a bar is kinda like a luddite being in a Best Buy. I don't like the ear-crunching, conversation-killing music, various twenty (or thirty or forty) somethings slobbering brew and emitting loud whoooooooooos at various stages of their inebriation. It's just not my scene.

But I was in this bar because my good friend, Captain America, was celebrating his 40th birthday. His friends at a former job had invited him out for a night on the town, if you will. I agreed to join them, partially because I know bars really aren't his scene, either. Discomfort loves company.

Bringing our story up to speed, two of Captain America's co-worker friends were ladies. For discretion's sake, we'll call one Boy Is She Cute, and we'll call the other one She Might Be A Dude. Well, my friend was getting quite alot of attention from Boy Is She Cute. She sat on his lap almost the entire evening, hugging him and basically pouring on the affection. The fact that she was probably in an alcohol coma didn't bother him in the least. The Captain was loving life and I was enjoying watching him bask in his glory. He was having a swell birthday.

At one point, Boy Is She Cute led Captain America up to the dance floor. Now, this guy is about as anti-dance as I am, but let's just say he was caught up in the moment. However, watching him dance reminded me precisely why I don't dance in public. It was not a pretty sight.

Meanwhile, She Might Be A Dude was sitting to my left. I was trying hard not to completely ignore her, because despite how I'm coming off in this post, I'm not a complete jerk. As we screamed at each other over the loud music, I found out that we went to the same high school together and that we even knew some of the same people. For the most part, however, I think we hung out in different circles. She named two girls I had never heard of. "Yea," she said, "I got into fights with both of those girls in high school."

As I said, different circles.

So as I'm sitting there watching Captain America and his friend shaking their booties, Boy Is She Cute waves to She Might Be A Dude. It became clear to me that the former wanted the latter to join them on the dance floor. That was fine by me. The music was good and I preferred to just sit there alone and nurse my ginger ale. The only problem was that, the way we were seated, I was blocking She Might Be A Dude in. She couldn't get up unless I got up first to let her out. Meanwhile, Boy Is She Cute kept motioning to her to come out on the dance floor. I wasn't sure if She Might Be A Dude was interested in going or not, so I didn't know whether I should get up or not. Then the words came out of my mouth:

"Do you want to dance?"

Hold it right there. Let's get one thing straight before we go any further.

I was not asking her to dance with me. I was asking her if she wanted me to get up so she could go out and dance with them. Of course, as soon as the ill-timed syllables left my lips I realized what I had said.

"Do you want to dance?"

Those are famous words in the history of boy-meets-girldom. They only mean one thing. Will you dance with me? My mind screamed and left the scene. Unfortunately, my body was still there and would have to deal with her response.

If she said 'yes' then my options were to (a) dance, or (b) explain to her that I wasn't really asking her to dance. I wasn't particularly looking forward to either of those scenarios.

If she said 'no' then I was off the hook. But wait -- that would mean I was being rejected by She Might Be A Dude! Well, that would suck in its own ironic way. What's so wrong with me that I'm being rejected by some girl who looks like she might have once played for the Pittsburgh Steelers? Damn.

So, I did my inner cringe and waited.

And waited.

And then I peeked over at her. She was watching ESPN on the television. I've never been a baseball fan, but it saved my life last night. She'd never even heard me.

Thank God for loud, ear-crunching, conversation-killing music.

That Is What I Am Talking About

2006-09-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sundra Oakley is the most beautiful woman on network TV today.

Period.

Who is Sundra Oakley?

Sundra is one of the twenty cast-members of the new season of Survivor: Cook Islands. In a controversial twist, the producers of the show decided to divide the teams along racial barriers. There is an African-American team, an Asian-American team, a Caucasian-American team, and a Latin-American team. Due to this "radical" approach, several long-time Survivor sponsors, like Coca-Cola and Chevrolet, have pulled their advertising from the show. I guess it's a good thing I'm a Pepsi/Honda man.

But never mind all that -- look at that smile! I'm here to tell you right now (write it down) that Sundra is going all the way. She came scarily close to being voted out last night. Thankfully, Stephannie was smart enough not to fall for Nathan's song and dance ("If you stay with them, they'll vote you out. Why not join us so we can vote you out?") Besides, after the Manihiki Men trampled over the women in deciding who would go to Exile Island, it was nice seeing the sisters get some revenge.

Oh, by the way, Jenny is quite adorable as well.

It's going to be a good season.

What's a bizzle?

Choose Your Propaganda!

2006-09-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

You can read the government's official 9-11 Commission Report here:

http://www.gpoaccess.gov/911/index.html

You can buy it in comic book form:

http://www.amazon.com/11-Report-Graphic-Adaptation/dp/0809057395

You can watch an online movie entitled "Loose Change" that says the events of 9-11 were all planned and carried out by our own government:

http://www.loosechange911.com/index_main.html

And finally you can check out a blog debunking Loose Change:

http://screwloosechange.blogspot.com/

Where Were You...?

2006-09-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

For a generation of baby boomers, one question you could always ask to a group of complete strangers and guarantee conversation was, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?"

A generation later, the question was, "Where were you when the Challenger exploded?"

Today, the question is, "Where were you on 9/11?"

Allow me to answer all three questions now.

Where was I when Kennedy was shot? Well, that's an easy one. I was still two years away from being conceived. On the 10th anniversary of the assassination I was in 2nd grade. It's reasonable to say that this event did not have a profound affect on my development.

When the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded I was working as an assistant manager at a retail clothing store. Jaymar Factory Outlet. We were the place to go to buy Sansabelts, the most practical and ugliest pants ever created. When you were old enough not to give a damn what you looked like walking down the street, you were ready for Sansabelts. The store had just opened for business that day when rumors started flying around the mall about the Shuttle. We were a small, outlet mall and we didn't even have an electronics store where we could watch the replays of the explosion over and over and over. It wasn't until 6:30 that night that I could finally get home to see what all the fuss was about.

On September 11, 2001, I arrived at Madison Alternative High School at 8:30 a.m. just like every other day. The kids usually arrived on buses at 9:00, so we had about a half hour of preparation before the official start of the school day. I remember having difficulty getting the internet on my desktop that day -- I typically started the day by reading the news online. At about 8:45 I went over to try one of the student computers, where I was able to log on and check the Yahoo! news website. The top story was that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center, however, when I clicked on the headline, the story was (eerily) only one line in length. If I may paraphrase, it said something to the effect of, "A plane was reported to have crashed into the World Trade Center this morning." Seriously, that was the entirety of the story. It seemed odd, but before I had a chance to investigate further, the principal called an emergency staff meeting. It had something to do with insurance forms (this was the first week of school, after all.)

When I got back to my classroom, I turned on the TV to see if there was anymore information about the airplane. As for many people that day, that's when my world changed forever. By the time I had tuned in the second plane had already crashed into the other tower. During the first few weeks in an alternative high school, the population of kids is very small -- most kids last a week of two in their home schools before managing to get suspended or expelled. The kids we had were those leftover from the previous year, and those who were volunteers. As they trickled into homeroom, I spelled out the catastrophe for them. Oddly enough, most of them were nonplussed, and several thought watching the plane slam into the tower was cool. I attempted, with little luck, to convey the gravity of the situation to them. It was an uphill battle, and it was enough for some of them that I didn't make them do any work, so they kept reasonably quiet while the rest of us watched the historic events unfold. My friend, Karl, taught social studies down the hall, and we combined our small classes together. We could only exchange knowing and pained looks at each other as the dominoes tumbled. First the towers. Then the Pentagon. Then a car bomb on Capitol Hill (which turned out to be a rumor). Then came reports that another plane was on its way to the White House. Then we heard about the plane that went down in Pennsylvania, the legendary Flight 93.

At around lunchtime, the principal made an announcement that we were to turn the TVs off, so as not to upset the students. The truth was that most of the students didn't care. These were the types of students who lived with tragedy every day. These were students who didn't scratch names of girlfriends or boyfriends on their notebook covers, but dates of their friends' deaths. In the year that I had been working at this school, two students had already been killed. One drowned in a local university pool after breaking in, the other in a car crash during a police chase. I suppose I can understand the callouses that can develop on one's heart under such circumstances.

The days that followed were some of the most unreal that I've ever experienced. Everything that had mattered before, suddenly didn't. Nearly every channel on the television was glutted with images of destruction and grief. Every radio station had a continuous news feed. No one dared attempt to entertain us in our moment of national suffering. And, frankly, no one wanted to be entertained. The news coverage made me a wreck. There were thousands of people lined up in the streets, holding up pictures in search of loved ones. It was devastating, and I remember my eyes literally being wet for almost three days straight.

That's where I was.

Where were you?

Croiky!

2006-09-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I wonder what the high bid will be?

Attention To Detail

2006-09-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

So I'm staying in this Hampton Inn visiting friends on a Labor Day Weekend getaway. You know, Hampton Inn is the chain that offers the 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. You can, literally, ask for your money back if you're not satisfied with your room. I worked at a Hampton Inn for five years in the early 90s so I know, it does happen.

Anyway, I noticed an amusing, yet odd, detail about the cleaning of my room this afternoon. Let me give you a little background. This morning, before leaving the room, I was feeling a little reckless. In a world where so much depends upon following the rules, I felt I needed to rebel. This was my weekend to howl! So, as a bold statement against order and civility, I put the Tinactin cap (which is blue) on the Odor-Eater can, and I put the Odor-Eater cap (which is green) on the Tinactin can. Yes, I am a wild and crazy guy.

This was such a momentous act for me that I completely forgot all about it. Until, that is, I arrived in my room this afternoon after it had been cleaned. As I was washing my hands, I noted the cans neatly lined up against the mirror and the caps had been switched back to their correct cans. I found it hysterically funny that some housekeeper had (a) noticed the cap violation, and (b) fixed it. This is grade A service. And then I wondered about the 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. Was this housekeeper so paranoid that she envisioned a scenario in which I would complain to the front desk staff: "My Odor-Eaters cap was on my Tinactin can, and my Tinactin cap was on my Odor-Eaters can. This is unacceptable. I'd like my money back, please."

Anyway, I'm very impressed with the crack housekeeping staff here. When I leave, they're definitely getting all the loose change I have in my pockets.

Movie Review Corner - Woody Allen Double Feature

2006-08-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

ANOTHER WOMAN
A group of financially secure, white writer-types (who all talk like Woody Allen writes) ponder the meaning of life and happiness. We have the familiar Allen love triangle: betrayal, lies, and off-camera-sex. Mia Farrow plays a whiny, blubbering waif that you just want to shake. See HANNAH AND HER SISTERS instead.

SEPTEMBER
A group of financially secure, white writer-types (who all talk like Woody Allen writes) ponder the meaning of life and happiness. We have the familiar Allen love triangle: betrayal, lies, and off-camera-sex. Mia Farrow plays a whiny, blubbering waif that you just want to shake. See CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS instead.

Movie Review Corner - Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain

2006-08-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

About twenty minutes into Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain (or simply, Amelie, for American audiences) I was in a state of near euphoria. This was going to be one of the greatest movies I had ever seen. This was going to make it into my top ten. As I watched, I was half absorbed in the narrative and half absorbed in deciding which top ten movie I was going to knock off of my list.

Alas, after an almost perfect first act (the likes of which I've not seen since Full Metal Jacket or Magnolia) the movie takes a few wrong turns and becomes ever-so-slightly annoying. When I caught myself peeking at my watch I knew the film had lost its top ten status. I've never been a big fan of magical realism, and I'm not confident you could accuse the film of it. Nothing specifically supernatural occurs in the film, but it comes pretty close. I guess if I could coin a phrase, I might say the film suffers from outrageous realism. I like films about honest characters and real situations. Several of the scenes in Amelie border on the ridiculous, and they detract from the film's overall impact.

Amelie Poulain, played by the creepily cute Audrey Tautou, is one of the sweetest characters the cinema has ever produced. [Update: Ms. Tautou played the female lead in this year's The DaVinci Code]. After an episode in which Amelie goes out of her way to bring a stranger some happiness (which, oddly enough, involves the death of Princess Diana) she realizes that her life's mission is to make other people happy. She embarks on a series of missions to that end, some successful, some not so much. Unfortunately, what she has forgotten to do is tend to her own happiness, which is not helped by her shyness and introversion.

A movie like this should have a happy ending, and it does, but not without some strange detours. In fact, Amelie seems to be so determined to avoid such a happy ending for herself that you end up wondering whether she's the type of gal who is happiest when she's not happy. Note that I didn't say unhappy, just not happy. Some people excuse tragedy in their lives by saying that we wouldn't know what happiness was if we didn't have unhappiness. Amelie seems to be living under the exact opposite sentiment.

Even with the movie's minor pitfalls, I'm still able to recommend it highly. It has an infectious, kooky charm and I find myself smiling thinking about it even hours after watching it. The movie is rated 'R' simply because of some early opening shots of a naked pregnant woman and a hysterical montage of random people experiencing orgasm (see, I'm smiling!) An R rating because of these two scenes is preposterous, however. There's nothing lewd or indecent about this film at all. It's a sweet and dear movie that should have a larger audience than an R rating would allow.

Big Man

2006-08-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

As I was pulling away from the grocery store this morning, I noticed an older man attempting to push his car from the street to a parking space. He looked like he was having some difficulty so I rolled down my window and yelled, "gimme a second and I'll help."

I pulled my car over and jumped out.

"Get in and steer," I told him. "I'll push."

He jumped in the car and I proceeded to push him towards the closest space.

About two seconds later a twenty-something guy ran up next to me and started helping me push.

"A man as big as you and you can't push any faster than that?" he cracked.

"F*** You," I blurted out, without thinking.

Now, for the first thing, I didn't know this person from Adam. He was just some random guy. Second, he was a rather burly character. The kind of guy who probably worked out alot. For the record, I'm the kind of burly guy who doesn't work out alot. Big difference. I should also point out that I was using a joking tone when I cursed at him. It wasn't done in anger. The kind of F-You you're likely to say to a buddy when you're joking with him.

But I didn't think about any of this, really, when I said it. It just came out.

"F*** You."

I'm a 40-year-old man, now. And, unlike some 40-year-old men, I'm not in the best shape. What would have happened if this guy had taken me seriously? Or if he were just prone to violence or anger? What if his sense of humor wasn't in sync with mine?

He laughed. He laughed like a buddy might laugh.

We pushed the car into the space. I thought about apologizing, but I didn't. For one thing, he made the crack about my weight. For another, I didn't want an awkward moment. I just wanted to get in my car and drive home.

So I did.

He's Got the Whole World in his Handheld

2006-08-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Look at that, willya?

Ever gotten the perfect gift? Well, I have. First, let me tell you my definition of the perfect gift!

Perfect Gift [n.] 1. Something you never would have bought for yourself. 2. Something you didn't even realize you wanted. 3. Something you can't even afford because you're between those lucrative teaching jobs.

On Saturday, August 5th, I turned forty. I guess the best thing I can say about that day is that no one was low-rent enough to say, "Lordy, lordy, look who's forty!" For that, I will always be thankful. Actually, it was quite a busy day. I planned my own "party" of sorts. My game group's monthly get-togethers are on the first Saturday of each month, so I volunteered my home for this particular gathering. A wonderful time was had by all.

A few days later a buddy of mine paid a visit. We'll call him Captain America for reasons that are really none of your business. He came to drop off his gift to me. A point should be noted here that neither of us has ever really been a big gift-giver. We call each other on birthdays and sometimes we go out and celebrate, but that's it. So, a birthday gift from the Captain was really going above and beyond.

And what a gift it was!

Since you have eyes to read this, you obviously saw the picture that accompanied this post. In other words, any suspense I'm trying to conjure up will be wasted, right? If you know me, then you know that I am a game enthusiast. However, unlike most people who call themselves gamers, my loyalty lies in the board/card arena, rather than computer and video. Sure, I enjoy a good video game every now and then, but I would call myself deeply fanatical when it comes to board and cardgames -- so much, in fact, that I've designed dozens of them and even gotten a couple published.

So, getting a Sony PSP kinda threw me a bit. Yes, I'd seen them in the stores and always thought they looked really cool. But $200 is more money than I'm allowed to spend on a whim -- even when I have a job (despite what you've heard, public school teachers don't make a bundle). Of course, it was nothing to get too disappointed about. Remember, I love board and cardgames. You can buy alot of them for $200. And, to be quite honest, whenever I perused the titles of games available for the systems, nothing really jumped out at me. Lots of games where you shoot and kill things. Pass. Tons of sports games. Okay, I dig sports and I LOVE football. But I own a couple sports titles for my Playstation 2 and I don't play it that much. Of course, it never really occurred to me that lack of portability was one of the main reasons for that. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, my thoughts on handhelds in general, and the PSP in particular, were that they were kinda cool, but more appropriate for a younger crowd.

Naturally, that changed once I had one.

Owning a PSP inspired me to do a little research on the games available for it. Lo and Behold, there actually were games out there for someone who wasn't especially interested in fighting and who got motion sickness every time he even thought about playing any game described with the words "First Person." Hell, I couldn't even play a First-Person-Cooking game, much less one where you have to run around shooting things/monsters/hookers/cops.

Probably the best use of my new PSP will be to play Madden Football any g**d*** where and time I please. As I was saying before, my console games never got much use, but that was because they were anchored to the main TV in my den. Not only did I have to wait for the TV to free up, but that was the only place that I could play it. Now, both of those problems have been solved. If I want to run a two-minute drill in my bed [insert your own joke here], I have that option.

In my research, I found that I enjoy a particular type of video game commonly known as the puzzle genre. Now, that sounds pretty boring, I know, but bear with me. We're not talking about doing crosswords (although I should mention that there is a crossword puzzle game out there for the PSP.) No, what I mean is that these games usually require you to solve problems in very creative and visually appealing ways. What I've also found out is that some of these games are rather hard to find. There are more video game options than the selection at your local Best Buy would lead you to believe. Let me give you a quick run-down on some of the cool games I've discovered.

LUMINES
This is sort of like Tetris, but on a horizontal, as opposed to a vertical playing field. You drop two-colored squares down into the playing area. When you create a 2x2 area of the same color, they are wiped from the board. Naturally, the game gets quicker as you go along and the area eventually fills faster than you are able to clear it. One of the greatest things about this game is the music. Not only does the game use a pulsing techno soundtrack, the music cleverly reacts to things you do in the game. For example, if you pull off a particularly clever move you'll be treated to a brilliantly timed fill-in. It's incredibly cool. Also, there are music tracks hidden in the game that require you to beat a certain score before you can hear them. Talk about an incentive to do well. Normally I don't care for games that make you earn certain features, but since the reward here is musical and not related to gameplay, it's acceptable to me.

EXIT
There was a game for the old Commodore 64 called "Castles of Dr. Creep." I don't think that game got alot of attention in its day, but I loved it. Basically, you were trapped inside a castle and you had to figure out how to get out by solving the puzzles laid out for you. For example, some buttons opened certain doors, but they might close others. Some levers might start treadmills or turn on/off deadly laser guns or electric currents. The game involved running around the castle pushing buttons and pulling levers in order for you to get out safely. A few years later a game called "The Adventures of Lolo" appeared on the original Nintendo system. Same idea, except this time you were trying to move forward into the castle.
Now here is a new game with the same idea called EXIT. You play a hero-type fella called Mr. ESCAPE. His job is to rescue people from buildings and get them out. EXIT has the same puzzle-solving feature as the aforementioned games, but with one new twist. Everytime Mr. ESCAPE finds someone trapped in the building, he can then use that person to help him solve the puzzle. For example, if you have to stand on a certain platform for a door to remain open, you can tell one of your escapees to remain on that platform while you take care of other business. And there are different types of people with varying abilities and disabilities. Very neat game. One of the neatest aspects is that Mr. ESCAPE is really just a normal guy. He's not superhuman, which means if he falls too far, or gets trapped, then you must restart the level. Highly recommended.

MERCURY
This game is reminiscent of the old game, Marble Madness, where you had to maneuver a marble through a series of tracks. In Mercury, your life isn't quite that easy. Instead of having the convenience of being a solid marble, you're now a blob of mercury. That's right. Mercury. That has several implications, the main one being that now you can split up into blobs of two or more. Of course, that means you have to control all of those blobs and, you guessed it, the levels were not designed with your convenience in mind. A fence or guardrail or two would have made alot of sense, but then the game wouldn't be nearly as fun or challenging. Graphically, the game is stunning. I special-ordered this one after reading about it.

OTHER GAMES:
I also have football, Hot Shots Golf, and a Poker game. I guess those would fall into the SPORTS category (yes, poker is a sport). Those are just as fun as the others but they don't require any real description.

The real "tragedy" here is now I'm looking into getting more games for my kids' handhelds. They have a Nintendo Gameboy Advance SP, and a Nintendo DS. I've been researching mature-themed games for those systems as well (and by mature, I mean games that a grown up would appreciate, not hootchie-mamma games).

In just one short week I've become a real fan of this particular genre of videogame - namely, the handheld. I doubt anything will ever replace the book as my favorite form of solo entertainment, but these handheld video games are coming darned close.

Funny

2006-08-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

F***ing Flies

2006-07-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

Question: What do you call two flies getting it on in my kitchen sink?

Answer: Dead.

Top 100 Albums

2006-06-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Since Tom mentioned it, here's a list of my top 100 albums that I put together in 2003. I've made a few changes since then, but nothing groundbreaking...

You'll notice that highly ranked songs may be on a lower ranked album, or vice versa. This simply meant that I graded each album as a complete performance. For instance, album #7 has my #1 song (Kashmir), and album #1 has my #5 song (Something). As a whole, Abbey Road has finer collection of songs than Physical Graffiti, althouth the latter has the single best song.

1. Abbey Road (The Beatles)
2. The Wall (Pink Floyd)
3. Skylarking (XTC)
4. Seal (Seal 1991)
5. The Kaviar Sessions (Kaviar)
6. So (Peter Gabriel)
7. Physical Grafitti (Led Zeppelin)
8. Ritual de lo Habitual (Jane's Addiction)
9. Toy Matinee (Toy Matinee)
10. oneword (Thrillcat)
11. 90125 (Yes)
12. Girlfriend (Matthew Sweet)
13. The Shaming of the True (Kevin Gilbert)
14. Check Your Head (Beastie Boys)
15. The Joshua Tree (U2)
16. Genesis (Genesis 1983)
17. Sign o' The Times (Prince)
18. Welcome to the Pleasuredome (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)
19. Thud (Kevin Gilbert)
20. Nothing Like the Sun (Sting)
21. Synchronicity (The Police)
22. The Yes Album (Yes)
23. Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)
24. Fragile (Yes)
25. Court and Spark (Joni Mitchell)
26. Nothing's Shocking (Jane's Addiction)
27. Ingenue (k.d. lang)
28. The White Album (The Beatles)
29. Oranges and Lemons (XTC)
30. Paul's Boutique (Beastie Boys)
31. Bare (Annie Lennox)
32. The Black Album (Prince)
33. To Live and Die in LA Motion Picture Soundtrack (Wang Chung)
34. Underneath the Radar (Underworld)
35. Songs from the Big Chair (Tears for Fears)
36. Natural Ingredients (Luscious Jackson)
37. Little Creatures (Talking Heads)
38. Listen Without Prejudice Vol. I (George Michael)
39. A Few Small Repairs (Shawn Colvin)
40. Not a Pretty Girl (Ani Di Franco)
41. Zenyatta Mendatta (The Police)
42. In Through the Out Door (Led Zeppelin)
43. Abacab (Genesis)
44. Solace (Sarah Maclachlin)
45. Houses of the Holy (Led Zeppelin)
46. Dirty Mind (Prince)
47. Diva (Annie Lennox)
48. Apple Venus Vol. I (XTC)
49. Chalkmark in a Rainstorm (Joni Mitchell)
50. Strays (Jane's Addiction)
51. Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd)
52. Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits)
53. Undertow (Tool)
54. Goodbye Jumbo (World Party)
55. Achtung Baby! (U2)
56. The Turn of a Friendly Card (The Alan Parsons Project)
57. Stanley Road (Paul Weller)
58. Southern Harmony and Musical Companion (Black Crowes)
59. Revolver (The Beatles)
60. Wild Wood (Paul Weller)
61. Graceland (Paul Simon)
62. Animals (Pink Floyd)
63. The Grand Illusion (Styx)
64. Elephant (The White Stripes)
65. The Soul Cages (Sting)
66. Naked (Talking Heads)
67. Nevermind (Nirvana)
68. Eye in the Sky (The Alan Parsons Project)
69. The Dream of the Blue Turtles (Sting)
70. Pieces of Eight (Styx)
71. Elemental (Tears for Fears)
72. Bang! (World Party)
73. Blue (Joni Mitchell)
74. I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got (Sinead O' Conner)
75. Ghosts in the Machine (The Police)
76. Ten (Pearl Jam)
77. Duncan Sheik (Duncan Sheik)
78. Aqualung (Jethro Tull)
79. Three Snakes and One Charm (Black Crowes)
80. Back in Black (AC/DC)
81. Faith (George Michael)
82. Righteous (Dag)
83. Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette)
84. The Road to Ensenada (Lyle Lovett)
85. Mr. Happy Go Lucky (John Mellencamp)
86. Mellow Gold (Beck)
87. In Utero (Nirvana)
88. Something/Anything (Todd Rundgren)
89. Fear of Music (Talking Heads)
90. Odelay (Beck)
91. OK Computer (Radiohead)
92. Dreamboat Annie (Heart)
93. Wasp Star/Apple Venus Vol. II (XTC)
94. Snow (Spock's Beard)
95. Circus (Lenny Kravitz)
96. Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me (The Cure)
97. Let it Bleed (The Rolling Stones)
98. Outside (David Bowie)
99. White City (Pete Townshend)
100. Blood Sugar Sex Magik (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

#1 Kashmir - Led Zeppelin

2006-06-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

"...I am a traveller of both time and space..."

Allright, so my game sucked. I'm posting it already. The funny thing about this song is that it doesn't really take me back to a time or place. I was probably nine years old when it came out, when the hippist music I had access to was my sister's Jackson 5 records. I don't think I had ever heard the song until it was featured in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Damone tells Rat, "When it comes to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV." The song that Rat ends up playing is "Kashmir", which isn't even on Led Zeppelin IV.

I love the way the song does that little climb, then just as it hits the top, falls back down again. It's just the most amazing riff and it's like nothing I've ever heard before or since. Well, Mission U.K. does a passable job at recreating the feel of the song in "Tower of Strength", which you notice has also made my top 100 list.

"Kasmir" hits the number one spot on groove alone. I have no idea what it's about. Does the guy live in Kashmir? Did he have a dream about Kashmir? Is he going to Kashmir with an achin' in his heart? Who knows? Who cares?

Kashmir was #140 on Rolling Stone's Top 500 Songs of All Time

What is Number One?

2006-06-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

We've counted down ninety-nine songs. Only one more to go. What will be number one?

Let's make a game out of it. See if you can guess what my number one song will be, based on the songs I've listed so far. Sure, it's a longshot and a crapshoot, but what the hell? Maybe someone will get it.

(no fair playing if you already know #1 - and you know who you are)

If you want clues, I've put them down below. I'll write them backwards for those who don't want to peek. In fact, if you don't want clues, stop reading now.

The clues get easier as you go along, so start with #1. You can read as many clues as you wish before you make your guess, but you must tell us how many clues you read before you picked. You can even guess, then read the clues, then guess again. What do I care? Hey, at least this way maybe I'll get some comments.

Clue #1: tsil siht no gnos rehto eno tsael ta sah tsitra ehT

Clue #2: ytnewt pot eht ni ti edam tsitra siht yb gnos A

Clue #3: nileppez del si tsitra ehT

Clue #4: itiffarg lacisyhp mubla eht morf s'tI

Clue #5: rimhsak si gnos ehT

#2 In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel

2006-06-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

"...I get so tired of working so hard for our survival..."

(mambo dogface banana patch)

#3 Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

2006-06-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

"...the child is grown, the dream is gone..."

(tired)

Comfortably Numb was #314 on Rolling Stone's Top 500 Songs of All Time.

#4 Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding - Elton John

2006-06-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

"...you're a bluebird on a telegraph line, I hope you're happy now..."

(somber, profound, almost poetic wordstuffs coming soon)

#5 Something - The Beatles

2006-06-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

"...you're asking me will my love grow, I don't know..."

(over-indulgent, panty-wringing nonsense coming soon)

Something was #273 in Rolling Stone Magazine's Top 500 Songs of All Time.

#6 Free Man In Paris - Joni Mitchell

2006-06-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

"... if l had my way I'd just walk through those doors and wander down the Champs Elysees, going cafe to cabaret, thinking how Ill feel when I find that very good friend of mine..."

(unimportant ramblings coming soon)

Free Man in Paris was #470 in Rolling Stone Magazine's Top 500 Songs of All Time.

#7 Fragile - Sting

2006-06-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

"...nothing comes from violence, and nothing ever could..."

(thoughtful, heartfelt sentiments that no one will read coming soon)

#8 I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2

2006-06-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

"...I have held the hand of the devil, it was warm in the night..."

Depression is real. I don't know if it's a psychological or physical malfunction. I do know that it's feeling bad for a long time and not knowing how to feel better. I know because it happened to me. In the summer of 1987 I fell in love for the first time, and I also found out that the object of my love might be dying of cancer. The combination of these two brickbats sent me into a tailspin from which I thought I might never recover. The cure eventually arrived, but not in the form of a prescription or a psychiatrist's couch. It was time, the love of close friends, and good music.

You could say The Joshua Tree came into my life like a super hero, helping to rescue me from my depression. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For was the highlight of the album. Like all great music, it not only spoke to me, it spoke for me. Back then, I really hadn't found what I was looking for. But at least I had the luxury of looking.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For was #93 in Rolling Stone Magazine's Top 500 Songs of All Time.

# 9 Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction

2006-06-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

"...I enjoy stealing, it's just as simple as that..."

If you threw Robert Plant, Alice Cooper and Boy George into a blender, you'd get something similar to Perry Farrell, front "man" of Jane's Addiction. With only two proper studio albums under their belts, Jane's Addiction made a strong case for burning out before fading away. 1989's Nothing's Shocking was a folk metal tour-de-force, but the band's next album, Ritual de lo Habitual attained masterpiece status. It's one of only two albums that had three songs in my top 100 (Kevin Gilbert's Shaming of the True is the other one).
Ritual starts off as a party, but transforms quickly into a searing philosophical debate about the nature of pleasure, pain, and loss. Is there an absolute good or bad? Wrong or right? You get the feeling Bertrand Russell or C.S. Lewis would have felt comfortable discussing the merits (or lack thereof) of this album.

Oh, and the song? It's about a guy who likes stealing stuff. In this era of downloadable music, the sentiment may be more relevant than ever.

#10 Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones

2006-06-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

"...war, children, it's just a shot away..."

The Rolling Stones only managed to earn one spot on the list, but it made it into the top ten. Mick Jagger may have one of the most penetrating voices of our generation, but Gimme Shelter shines due to the heartbreaking backing vocals from Merry Clayton (yes, that's her real first name -- she was born on Christmas day). During one moment in the song, Merry punctuates the air so forcefully that you can hear one of the band members in the background exclaim, "whew!" In fact, it's rumored she miscarried later that day due to the effort she put into her performance. That may be true, or just a legend. Either way, Gimme Shelter is a testament to the turbulent era of the late-60s, when love was just a kiss away.

Gimme Shelter was #38 in Rolling Stone Magazine's Top 500 Songs of All Time.

#11 - 20

2006-06-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

11. Crazy
Artist: Seal

"...you're never gonna survive unless you get a little crazy..."

12. The Ghost of Tom Joad
Artist: Rage Against The Machine

"...look in their eyes Ma, you'll see me..."

13. Roundabout
Artist: Yes

"...you'll see, I'll be there with you..."

14. I Wish
Artist: Stevie Wonder

"...you grow up and learn that kinda thing ain't right. but while you were doing it, it sure felt outta sight..."

15. Custard Pie
Artist: Led Zeppelin

"...your custard pie, I declare, it's sweet and nice..."

16. Leave It
Artist: Yes

"...goodbye, goodbye, goodbye bad..."

17. Shaking the Tree
Artist: Peter Gabriel

"...find your sisters and brothers who can hear all the truth in what you say..."

18. Help Me
Artist: Joni Mitchell

"...didn't it feel good to dance with the lady with the hole in her stocking..."

19. Why Should I Cry For You?
Artist: Sting

"...would North be true..."

20. Amy
Artist: Pure Prairie League

"...I can never see what's right and what is wrong..."

#21 - 30

2006-06-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

21. Tower of Strength
Artist: The Mission U.K.

"...when there's darkness all around you shine bright for me..."

22. June
Artist: Spock's Beard

"...the prince and the drummer and the fire girls couldn't get our guitars in tune..."

23. Jungle Boogie
Artist: Kool & the Gang

"...feel the funk, y'all..."

24. I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying
Artist: Sting

"...what can a father do but babysit sometime..."

25. You Shook Me All Night Long
Artist: AC/DC

"...she told me to come but I was already there..."

26. Graceland
Artist: Paul Simon

"...losing love is like a window in your heart, everybody sees you're blown apart, everybody feels the wind blow..."

27. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey
Artist: Paul McCartney

"...the butter wouldn't melt so I put it in the pie..."

28. The Boys of Summer
Artist: Don Henley

"...out on the road today I saw a Dead Head sticker on a cadillac..."

29. Erotic City
Artist: Prince

"...everytime I comb my hair, thoughts of you get in my eyes..."

30. It's Too Late
Artist: Carole King

"...you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool..."

#31 - 40

2006-06-03T21:09:00.001-07:00

31. That's Really Super SuperGirl
Artist: XTC

"...now I realize you could be on a mission saving some other man..."

32. Constant Craving
Artist: k.d. lang

"...maybe a great magnet pulls all souls towards truth..."

33. I've Seen All Good People
Artist: Yes

"...don't surround yourself with yourself..."

34. Scarborough Fair
Artist: Simon & Garfunkel

"...she once was a true love of mine..."

35. Home By The Sea / Second Home By The Sea
Artist: Genesis

"...something doesn't feel quite right..."

36. Blue
Artist: The Jayhawks

"...where have all my friends gone, they've all disappeared..."

37. Playground
Artist: XTC

"...school is out but never over..."

38. The Wind At My Back
Artist: Spock's Beard

"...my soul has been kissed just because you exist..."

39. I Want You (She's So Heavy)
Artist: The Beatles

"...I want you so bad it's driving me mad..."

40. Then She Did
Artist: Jane's Addiction

"...she was unhappy just as you were..."

#41 - 50

2006-06-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

41. Three Days
Artist: Jane's Addiction

"...without game, men prey on each other..."

42. Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2
Artist: Pink Floyd

"...hey teacher, leave those kids alone..."

43. Last Plane Out
Artist: Toy Matinee

"...with cake in vulgar surplus, we can have it and eat it too..."

44. Owner of a Lonely Heart
Artist: Yes

"...say you don't wanna chance it, you've been hurt so before..."

45. Abacab
Artist: Genesis

"...tell me do you think I'm to blame..."

46. Starship Trooper
Artist: Yes

"...I still remember the talks by the water..."

47. Paranoid Android
Artist: Radiohead

"...ambition makes you look pretty ugly..."

48. Hello It's Me
Artist: Todd Rundgren

"...maybe I think too much but something's wrong..."

49. Sunset Grill
Artist: Don Henley

"...what would we do without all these jerks anyway..."

50. Jet
Artist: Paul McCartney & Wings

"...I thought the only lonely place was on the moon..."

#51 - 60

2006-06-02T03:34:00.000-07:00

51. You've Got a Friend
Artist: James Taylor

"...just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I'll come running..."

52. I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man
Artist: Prince

"...she asked me if we could be friends and I said oh honey baby that's a dead end..."

53. Yours is No Disgrace
Artist: Yes

"...yesterday a morning came, a smile upon your face..."

54. Africa
Artist: Toto

"...I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become..."

55. Shining Star
Artist: Earth, Wind and Fire

"...shining star for you to see what your life can truly be..."

56. Surrender
Artist: Cheap Trick

"...mommy's allright, daddy's allright, they just seem a little weird..."

57. They Dance Alone
Artist: Sting

"...their anguish is unsaid..."

58. Long Distance Runaround
Artist: Yes

"...I still remember the time you said goodbye..."

59. Private Conversation
Artist: Lyle Lovett

"...look at what you've been through and see what you've become..."

60. Earn Enough For Us
Artist: XTC

"...just because we're at the bottom of the ladder we shouldn't be sadder..."

#61 - 70

2006-05-31T21:16:00.000-07:00

61. Girlfriend
Artist: Matthew Sweet

"...cause you need to be back in the arms of a good friend..."

62. The Best Laid Plans
Artist: Kevin Gilbert

"...luck knows no justice at all..."

63. Biko
Artist: Peter Gabriel

"...and the eyes of the world are watching now..."

64. For Free
Artist: Joni Mitchell

"...across the street he stood and he played real good on his clarinet, for free..."

65. Goodness Gracious
Artist: Kevin Gilbert

"...what horrors will be commonplace when my hair starts to grey..."

66. Had a Dad
Artist: Jane's Addiction

"...had a dad, big and strong, turned around and I found my daddy gone..."

67. I'm the Man Who Murdered Love
Artist: XTC

"...I put a bullet in his sugar head, he thanked me kindly and he lay down dead..."

68. Oh Well
Artist: Fleetwood Mac

"...don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to..."

69. I Paid My Money
Artist: Fear of Pop

"...I'll not be screwed like the people leaving early..."

70. How Soon is Now
Artist: The Smiths

"...I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does..."

#71 - 80

2006-05-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

71. Polaroids
Artist: Shawn Colvin

"...I am to young to die, too old for a lullaby..."

72. I Got You
Artist: Split Enz

"...I don't know why sometimes I get frightened..."

73. Tempted
Artist: Squeeze

"...I said to my reflection let's get out of this place..."

74. Hash Pipe
Artist: Weezer

"...come on and kick me..."

75. Buried Alive
Artist: Kyle Davis

"...just to change is not treason..."

76. Southern Central Rain
Artist: R.E.M.

"...go build yourself another home, this choice isn't mine..."

77. Airbag
Artist: Radiohead

"...an airbag saved my life..."

78. Black Math
Artist: The White Stripes

"...I can't tell you how proud I am writing down things that I don't understand..."

79. James
Artist: Huffamoose

"...just wait and see, we're gonna set the world free..."

80. Tusk
Artist: Fleetwood Mac

"...don't say that you love me..."

#81 -90

2006-05-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

81. Solisbury Hill
Artist: Peter Gabriel

"...you can keep my things, they've come to take me home..."

82. Watching the Wheels
Artist: John Lennon

"...I'm just sitting here doing time..."

83. Welcome to the Pleasuredome
Artist: Frankie Goes to Hollywood

"...shooting stars never stop even when they reach the top..."

84. Pick Up the Pieces
Artist: Average White Band

"...pick up the pieces, say what? pick up the pieces, all right..."

85. Driver 8
Artist: R.E.M.

"...we can reach our destination, but we're still a ways away..."

86. Lady
Artist: The Little River Band

"...a love song is running through my mind..."

87. Night Train
Artist: Steve Winwood

"...use up a lifetime looking for the break of day..."

88. More Human Than Human
Artist: White Zombie

"...I tear my soul apart and I eat it some more..."

89. The Ghetto of Beautiful Things
Artist: Kevin Gilbert

"...I painted Santa with a brown nose just for the fun of it..."

90. Brilliant Blues
Artist: Pete Townshend

"...the brilliant blues have faded into sadness and pain..."

#91 - 100

2006-05-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

91. Head Over Heels
Artist: Tears for Fears

"...it's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand..."

92. When the World is Running Down You Make the Best of What's Still Around
Artist: The Police

"...turn on the radio, the static hurts my ears..."

93. Hold Me Now
Artist: Thompson Twins

"...I'll ask your forgiveness though I don't know just what I'm asking it for..."

94. Hypnotized
Artist: Fleetwood Mac

"...there's no explaining what your imagination can make you see and feel..."

95. So What'cha Want?
Artist: The Beastie Boys

"...I'm The Illest Motherfucker From Here To Gardena..."

96. Certifiable #1 Smash
Artist: Kevin Gilbert

"...me and my accountant are so happy..."

97. Hold On Loosely
Artist: .38 Special

"...if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control..."

98. Low Self Opinion
Artist: Rollins Band

"...get yourself a break from self-rejection, try some introspection..."

99. Quiet Moon
Artist: Kelly Thomas

"...who will you tell if you won't tell me..."

100. Shake it Out
Artist: The New Penny Angels

"... you crucify their point of view if they don't look and live like you..."

One Hundred In A Million

2006-05-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

Over the next 19 days I will be listing my favorite 100 songs of all time. Note, I said I will be listing my favorites. I'm not saying these are the best songs or the most important songs of all time. This is a list of my personal preferences -- the songs that mean the most to me for whatever reason(s) I choose.

One of the pitfalls of creating a list like this is the likelihood that it will be overloaded with songs by the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, etc. I was surprised that Yes easily captured the title of Most Represented Artist On The List. I knew I loved that band, but I wouldn't have guessed that seven of their songs would make the cut. The Beatles made the list twice. Twice! I consider myself a major Beatles fan, but it would appear that most of their songs touch me mentally as opposed to emotionally. Led Zeppelin made the list twice as well. Fascinating. What does this mean? Prince made the list twice. Sting made the list three times (four if you count The Police). I guess they shouldn't feel so bad. Some artists only made the list once -- including three in the top ten.

I'll be listing ten songs per day, counting down from 100 to 11. I will give each of the final ten songs their own entry, counting down from 10 to 1.

I hope you enjoy the trip.

William, Bill For Short

2006-05-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow begins the best time of year for an English teacher.

Tomorrow I start both of my classes on Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet for my 9th graders and Julius Caesar for my 10th graders. I've warned both classes that Shakespeare is coming and they're all dreading it.

I love it.

I love it because they always dread it at first, but I have a special knack for pulling them in and making them understand what Shakespeare is all about. Romeo and Juliet is a bittersweet love story. Julius Caesar is filled with political intrigue. Hamlet is a classic ghost story. Macbeth has one of the best gangster plots you'll find.

I can't wait!

Bored Alive

2006-05-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

Can someone please explain the fascination of watching someone hold their breath for ten minutes?

I guess I understand the spectacle of watching a man float in a glass ball -- hey, it's not something you see everyday, right? But the entertainment value of seeing a healthy human being deprive his body of oxygen for seven minutes escapes me. Let's face it, the man is hurting himself and ABC gets to sell it as a prime time special.

On the other hand, this sort of public mutilation is nothing new. Evel Kneivel used to wrap himself around his motorcycle every few years back in the seventies. Boxing, a "sport" in which the goal is literally to knock your opponent senseless, is a huge draw.

Sometimes it feels like we're not so far removed from the days of the Roman Coliseum. Watching people hurt and get hurt sells soap, pure and simple.

Heck, if ABC is listening, I'll volunteer to sit on a bench in Times Square for a week eating nothing but fast food. I can see it now -- when it's all over I'll be standing with a model on each arm telling New York how humbled they've made me with their support.

Best. Website. Ever

2006-04-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this website recently:
www.truechristian.com

Trust me. It's a gold mine.

Deal or No Deal With The Devil

2006-03-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

Greed kills.

If you ever need proof of that, check out a showing of NBC's new gamble show (it's hardly a game), Deal or No Deal. I call it a gamble show because there are really no decisions to make, except whether to gamble the bird in the hand for the two that may or may not be in the bush.

The other choices the player makes are based on absolutely nothing. This is all fine and good, of course, but it makes me wonder why contestants agonize over the decision of which cases to open. Any case is as good as any other.

But the real point I'm trying to make here is how greed has cut down players time and time again. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a player offered dollars in excess of 100,000, only to reject the windfall and eventually wind up with table scraps. If anyone has a deal with the Devil here, it's the network. On one recent show they gave away a total of $58 because the greedy morons kept pressing their luck.

$58!!!

Howie Mandel's socks probably cost more than that.

Tonight a woman was offered $130,000. No deal.
Her offer eventually went down to $103,000. No deal.
$50,000. No deal.

She went home with $21,000. I was shocked that she didn't put that at risk. The show exploits the gambler mentally to try to win back losses.

I'll tell you who the real villains are. It's the friends and family members the hapless souls bring with them to "cheer" them on. It's easy to cry, "No Deal!" when it's not your own money at risk. A heartbreaking episode aired recently where a man was offered $76,000 and his kids begged him to stop and take the deal. The greedy wife, however, was adamant that he continue. Seconds later, he busted out and eventually took home $8. His daughter was shattered and his son was furious. Mom tried to calm them down and tell them it was "ok."

Bullshit, Mom!

Mary Kate Schellhardt

2006-03-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

If there is any justice in Hollywood, Mary Kate Schellhardt will soon be one of the screen's newest, most beautiful starlets.

She was on the most recent episode of Scrubs, where she played a cancer patient. When I saw that beautiful smile and those gorgeous eyes, I knew I had seen her before, but I couldn't quite place her. A quick Google searched helped...

...Mary Kate Schellhardt played the young sister of Gilbert Grape in the film, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, a wonderful movie that I've seen many times. Mary Kate was only sixteen in that film. A cute girl, but nothing that set my motor running -- I'm not a perv no matter what you might think.

Fast forward about twelve years and she's become quite the striking young woman. There's a freshness and innocence about her that simply gives me goosebumps.

If she becomes a big star, just remember -- you heard it here first.

Another Happy Ending For The Beautiful People

2006-03-12T01:04:00.000-08:00

Saw Elizabethtown this evening.

This movie proves what we've suspected all along:

Great looking stewardesses with unbelievably wonderful personalities will try to charm your socks off and practically beg you to be their girlfriend...

...if you look like Orlando Bloom.

Hey, I'm not saying I didn't like the movie. But if it had been me on that plane, I doubt Claire would have offered me a second bag of almonds.

The Tears Will Come Out To Maury

2006-02-23T19:39:00.000-08:00

I've never seen an episode of Maury in my life, but they just happened to have it on at the gym today where I workout. I've never seen a show, but I've seen the commercials. I find it hard to believe that people sit down to watch that show (or those like it) on purpose. I find it even harder to believe that so many people waive any and all shreds of dignity to be on the show. Date raped by a llama! on the next Maury. Yuck

But today that asshole got me. Twice.

The television set was right in front of my treadmill. I had my headphones on full blast, but Bally's management thoughtfully turns the captions on -- apparently for their fat, deaf members.

Today's show was on paternity tests. "Are You My Baby's Daddy?" or some nonsense like that. The kind of foolishness I'd flip right past if I were in control of the remote. But I'm stuck here doing my two miles and unless I want to do it with my eyes closed, I'm gonna find out if the baby is his or not.

I was drawn in to the first couple immediately. The girl was crying. Apparently she had an affair with another man (LOUD AUDIENCE BOOING) and got pregnant during that time. Her husband isn't sure if that baby is really his. She's crying. They show a picture of him backstage crying. And, naturally, my eyes start to well up right there on the treadmill. I catch the first few tears, but she keeps crying and he keeps crying. There's just something about seeing another person crying -- it breaks me up. I wipe and wipe. Stay cool.

So I'm stepping -- trying to keep my composure -- but I'm nervous. The couple wants the baby to be his so badly. If it's not they will almost surely divorce. If it is his, the marriage is saved. Now I want the baby to be his, too, but I know that if it is they will both start crying for joy and that will start me up again.

It's his. They both hug with joy and it's all I can do to keep the tears from running down my face. Yes, I am a woman.

Then later in the show, a 20-something girl comes on who wants to find out if the man she knows as her father really is her biological father. This girl is a total wreck. Just looking at her starts the water works. Again, both she and the father are crying. They both admit that it won't change how they feel about each other no matter what the result -- they both love each other and have a great relationship. I, for one, can't imagine why it matters to either of them whether the relationship has a biological foundation. They've known each other as father and daughter for years. Apparently there was some appeal to finding out this very personal and private information in front of a studio audience filled with hooting imbeciles.

They find out she's not her biological daughter. They hug tightly and reaffirm that it doesn't matter. Then the show ends and I'm an emotional wreck. Remember, I can't even hear the show -- I've got rock and roll pumping through my headphones and simply reading the captions. I just hope no one saw me wiping my eyes about fifty-seven times during the stupid show. Especially that cute MILF on the stationary bike.

Assembly Language

2006-02-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

I just saw that they're holding an assembly at the local high school next week.

The title:"No Drugs, No Alcohol, No Sex"

Well, that explains why I didn't have sex in high school. For onething, we didn't have any assemblies that taught you how to get it.

Get Yer Lois Nettleton News Here

2006-02-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

Here's another picture of this blog's matron saint, Lois Nettleton. It's from an episode of Night Gallery, entitled:
I'll Never Leave You--Ever.

Lois is upside-down because she's in the process of falling off a cliff. Obviously, Lois was inspired by the work of Wile E. Coyote.

By the way, if Lois should somehow find this blog, I'd love an e-mail. Lois, you can e-mail me privately at:
stephen.glenn@gmail.com

I think we could have a fun time.

Idol Curiosity

2006-02-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

Man, have I been missing out.

I'm not a fan of modern, popular music. In fact, I would go so far as to say I'm an anti-fan. For the most part, I actively dislike most of the noise that is Top 40 Radio. With that bias in mind, it never occurred to me that I could ever find interest in American Idol, a show that celebrates the music I despise.

A recent article (thanks for the link, Everett) revealed that the judges have been meaner in their recent criticisms than in the past. Curiosity got the better of me and I actually Tivo'd a couple of episodes. I must say I found them to be highly entertaining.

Ironically, the "talented" singers make up the least interesting part of the show. Most of them can carry a tune, but they also share a ridiculous tendency to attempt feeble vocal gymnastics. These nitwits can't help but to molest the most simple melodies by pulling seventeen syllables out of each word. Not only is it an irritating quality, but only the most talented vocalists can pull it off! I'm talking about your Whitney Houstons -- your Mariah Careys. Singing is alot like weight lifting with your voice. It's not enough just to get those barbells over your head, you've got to hold them steady. Amateurs just sound pathetic and weak when they try to sing in that manner.

And that's the best part of the show. No, not the fact that they can't sing. It's the fact that most of them don't even realize how awful they really are. Of course, there are legions who go on the auditions with every intention of bombing, but those aren't particularly compelling, either. No, the ones who I love to watch are those who honestly believe they will be the next big star, yet can't even find a tune, much less carry one.

The aforementioned article mentions how mean Simon is in particular. Frankly, the article is a load of dung. Simon isn't mean enough. He has every right to be disgusted with these morons who have no sense of rhythm or phrasing.

Personally, I think the judges should be allowed to throw hammers.

Big

2006-01-31T12:04:00.000-08:00

You see the racks of candy displayed every time you go through the supermarket checkout line.

When you visit your bookstore, notice how all the 50% off books are all on big tables right next to the cashier.

They're called Impulse Buys. They're items you didn't plan on buying when you went shopping, but hey, lemme take a look...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our most recent impluse buy.

Now, a puppy is not the sort of item one is likely to buy on impulse. Truth be told, our family went into the mall to purchase exactly two things: a haircut for me and a haircut for my son. Unfortunately, there were no Hair Cutterys in this particular mall, and I wasn't interested in paying $20 for a haircut at a so-called "salon." My haircuts are about as basic as you get. Just take as much off as you can without shaving me bald. My only goal when getting a haircut is that I want to be able to wait as long as possible before having to come back to get another haircut. My son's haircuts are even easier. He's sporting an afro (I swear he's starting to look like J.J. "Dyn-o-mite" Evans) and those take about ten seconds to trim. Zip zip zoop. $20, please? I don't think so.

So, on our way out of the mall my wife and daughter thought they'd pop in to the local pet store. No problem. There's a nice, comfy chair outside.

About ten minutes later my daughter came out with eyes as big as saucers. Apparently she saw a pug puppy that, in her words, "really, really, really wants to come home with me." Well, of course, that was just impossible. We already have two dogs who are quite enough to handle, thank you very much. Frankly, I love dogs, but my wife complains constantly about the smell, the hair, and dirty wet feet on her faux-wood floors. So it really was an easy decision. Despite her quivering bottom lip and eyes just on the verge of dampness, I had to break it to her that we just couldn't get another dog.

"But Mom wants it, too!"

What's this?

Walking up behind my daughter came my wife with the biggest "can we please?" look on her face that I've ever seen. You have got to be kidding me!

"But he's so cute!"

Sure, I agreed. And he was cute. He is cute. But how cute will he be when there is poo and pee to clean up? Heavy sigh.

To make a long story (with a fair amount of teeth-gnashing) short, we ended up getting the puppy. It occurred to me that maybe $20 isn't so much to pay for a haircut after all. In exchange for allowing the family to adopt a third dog, I got to name it. His full name is: Big Screen TV, which is about what we could have afforded if we hadn't stopped by this particular pet store on this particular evening.

We're going to call him Big.

Classmate

2006-01-22T21:33:00.000-08:00

I found an old memo I received from a principal a few years back. I thought I'd share it with you. I present it here, creative punctuation and grammar intact:

--------------------------------------
NOVEMBER 10, 2003
MEMORANDUM
TO: Mr. Stephen Glenn, Instructor
FROM: Principal X
SUBJECT: GAMES

Mr. Glenn, it has come to my attention that on Friday, October 31, 2003 you had students playing games that were not lesson-related in our In-School Suspension class (ISS). I would ask that you not have students playing games unless it is lesson-related. Although, you were covering ISS for an absent instructor; I would not want non-lesson related games played in your regular classes.

I am also concerned because of a similar conversation you and I had last year involving a student who had related to Pupil Personnel and her attorney that she was playing games when she should have been doing class work. Although you said the student had misrepresented the situation, the fact that games were being played sent a negative message and image about [the school] not only to Pupil Personnel; but, also community.

As stated during our conference on Thursday, November 9, 2003, I can understand your enthusiasm concerning the stimulation and challenge for the brain that certain games present for youth, but, the classroom is not the place for our "regular" board games. I strongly feel that you can get the same results with lesson-related games that will both stimulate and challenge our students.

I know that you will understand my position in this matter and I know I can expect full cooperation on your part. You are a good teacher and I know you want the best for your students.

If you have any questions or I can be of assistance to you, please feel free to speak with me.

---------------------------------

For the record, the offending game in both instances was chess.

Open Letter to Denver and Carolina

2006-01-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks for a completely shitty Sunday.

Conference championships are supposed to be the stuff of legends. I mean, you're playing for a trip to the friggin' Super Bowl for cryin' out loud.

You'd be hardpressed to find two more uninspired performances than those given by Denver and Carolina today. I planned an entire Sunday around this?

In fact, only two of the ten playoff games this year were even remotely interesting. Washington vs. Tampa Bay in the Wild Card round was exciting. And last week's Pittsburgh vs. Indianapolis was nearly one for the ages. It didn't quite attain the level of a classic game, but it was a good'un.

Pittsburgh vs. Seattle should be a good Super Bowl. I'll be rooting for the Steelers of course (go AFC). It would be neat to see them as champions again. Back when I was a kid in the 70s and just starting to love football, the Steelers were THE TEAM! I was living in the Outer Banks, North Carolina the last time the Steelers went to the Super Bowl. I was talking on the phone to my good friend, Tom (a Steeler fan), at the exact moment Neil O'Donnell threw that fateful interception in the 3rd quarter on a drive where Pittsburgh was poised to take the lead. I think Tom still blames me for that interception. My phone call jinxed his team, or so he says.

Lois Nettleton Update #2

2006-01-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

Bet you thought I'd forgotten.

Here's a picture of our girl opposite Burt Reynolds in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Lois plays Dulcie Mae, a whore.

Stay tuned to this blog for all the latest Lois Nettleton news.

Three Short Novels

2006-01-18T14:38:00.000-08:00

Always wanted to read a literary classic, but never had the time to tackle those titanic tomes? Is Moby Dick biting off more than you can chew? Won't give War and Peace a chance? Can't swallow Pride and Prejudice?

Have no fear. I now recommend these three short novels -- all around the 100-page mark. This is solid evidence that good things can come in small packages. These books pack a tight little punch and you can finish them off in a couple of lunch hours.

Animal Farm by George Orwell

I just finished reading this for a 9th grade literature class I'm teaching. It's a fabulous allegory about the 1917 Russian Revolution and its communist aftermath. Remember, all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

This beautiful story examines the meaning of true friendship, isolation and loneliness. George and Lennie are two California migrant workers in the 1930s. The final tragedy is as poignant as you'll find in 20th-century American literature.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy

Tolstoy ponders the meaning of life, death, suffering and happiness in this tasty morsel. Live vicariously through the dying Ivan as he endures the indignation and horror of his final days.

Xyzzy

2006-01-17T18:59:00.000-08:00

My friend, Matthew Baldwin, runs a wonderfully hysterical blog entitled Defective Yeti.

Do yourself a favor and go here:

http://www.defectiveyeti.com/

Read the January 17, 2006 entry, entitled Xyzzy.

One of the best things I've read in a long time!

Mr. Glenn is Back!

2006-01-17T03:30:00.000-08:00

Off I go...

Two Legs Bad

2006-01-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

Today may have been Friday the 13th, but it was a pretty good day for me.

I was officially notified today that I will be the long-term substitute for a teacher out on pregnancy leave at Kellam High School. I'll be taking over for her until her return on May 1. I look at it as a great opportunity to get my foot in the door and hopefully get a full-time gig next September.

I start on Tuesday, the 17th. My first assignment will be teaching Animal Farm to the 9th graders, and The Iliad to the 10th graders.

In fact, I should go now so I can finish Animal Farm by Tuesday. I've never read it....

cvbnfuhmbfwlwzrgxiq

2006-01-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

Can I get a show of hands of those of you who are tired of these f***ing things?

Gas Giants

2006-01-12T09:06:00.000-08:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=423412654049302774

Ow... my head hurts.

My throat hurts.

"I smell heaven's bakery cooking up something good for you, sister!"

Mystery Guest #2

2006-01-12T04:59:00.000-08:00

Due to the overwhelming response to our first mystery guest, I have decided to post another. Who is this?

Why post another mystery guest so soon? Well, mystery guest #2 is actually who I first thought mystery guest #1 was. When I showed my wife mystery guest #1, I said, "that's so-n-so."

"No, it's not," she replied. And then she went on to prove me wrong.

Mystery guest #1 is still a famous person. I just got her confused with someone else. The game is still on. Both guests were pretty big name stars around the same time (mid-80s).

And those are all the clues you're going to get.

Kelly McGillis. Hot Gun hottie.

Gotta feel bad for the ladies. Tom Cruise is still Hollywood's Golden Boy. And Kelly McGillis is quickly becoming a Golden Girl.

What We Know, What We Believe, and What We Believe We Know

2006-01-11T15:11:00.000-08:00

What do I know?

I know I was born on August 5, 1966.

Hmm. Do I really know that? I guess I really have to trust my parents on that one. That's what they've told me all my life. I've seen records and documentation that tell me someone named Stephen Wayne Glenn was born at Portsmouth Naval Hospital just after lunchtime on that date. So, I suppose I'm reasonably sure that I'm that guy, and that my parents weren't lying to me.

That is, if they are my real parents.

I guess that my birth date is something I'll have to believe. I can't really know it, can I? So what do I know? I know that I'm sitting in a green chair in my den typing on my laptop. Without delving too deeply in existentialism, let's assume I'm allowed to know those things. This essay really isn't meant to be an examination of the nature of reality. For our purposes, I do exist and I'm damned good looking.

What else do I know? Let's think about mathematics. I know that 2 + 2 = 4. As long as we're talking about similar units, I think we can say we know that. In other words, two apples plus two oranges does not equal four bananas. So would it be more correct to say 2x + 2x = 4x? Perhaps we should stick with that for now.

What about physics? If I drop a bowling ball on my foot, the gravitational force, the weight of the ball, and the density of my bones will almost certainly result in a trip to the emergency room.

What about facts? Do I know that George Washington was the first president of the United States? Well, that's what it says in all the history books. Do I know that? Or have I chosen to believe it?

The Earth is round.
Man has landed on the Moon.
A year is approximately 365.25 days.
Thriller is the best-selling album of all time.

Trust.

It's all about trust. I don't know any of those things. I put my trust in people who say they know. I'm not saying I have a difficult time believing any of those things. I'm just trying to point out the difference between belief and knowledge. Right now I'm wearing a blue t-shirt, sweat pants, and dress socks. You can decide to believe that or not believe it, but there's no way you can possibly know it.

Where does religion fall on this belief/knowledge scale? Let's put it this way, I've spoken to people who say they know that the Bible is the truth and that God is waiting for them in heaven. I've also spoken to people who say they know the Bible is hogwash and that there is no God.

I can't take either side seriously.

Remember, belief is about trust. Why was I a Christian for so many years? Well, because my parents told me it was the right and true religion. My pastor told me it was the right and true religion. For years I went to church every Sunday where I was told Christianity was the right and true religion. Now, as a kid we usually believe what grown-ups tell us. Not to mention the notion that we would certainly BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY IF WE DIDN'T BELIEVE. Ooh, nice marketing campaign, there. No wonder the Bible is a best seller. I wonder if that tactic could work on other products?

Drink Coke or BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Folks might think twice before buying a Pepsi, that's for sure.

But I'm not going to just pick on the religious folks. It's equally ridiculous that some people can say with such certainty that there is no god. They back their convictions up with the notion that there is no evidence of a god. To that I say ... huh???

The notion that life, the universe, and everything is one cosmic accident is absurd to me. It's difficult for me to believe that there isn't a higher force out there -- somewhere. People often ask themselves the question, "Why am I here?" My own answer to that question is that we are here to help others. That's the only answer that makes sense to me. Nothing makes me happier than helping others, so that must be it, right? So, if I believe there's a reason, then I have to believe that there's a source for that belief. If I believed we were all an accident, then I wouldn't need a reason. If we're accidents, then what is the purpose of conscious thought? I Think Therefore I Am. That's the evidence.

On some level, we are all still babies. We ponder our existence like newborns crying for attention. We refuse to accept that we are not the center of the universe.

Mystery Guest

2006-01-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

Allright, how about some audience participation here, folks. I'd like to get an idea of how many people are reading this. If you think you know who this person is, post a comment. Heck, if you don't know, take a guess.

I don't know how difficult this will be. I only know who it is because I saw the photo on a website. If I hadn't known beforehand, I would not have had a clue.

Kelly LeBrock. Weird Science cutie.

Kiss My Glass

2006-01-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8602543819460939080

Is this insanely erotic?

Or am I just too sick for words?

Good gracious!

[Update 01/14/06: It appears this video is no longer available.]

Lois Nettleton Update

2006-01-11T11:08:00.000-08:00

Here are more pictures of Lois Nettleton. On the left, we see her praying that one day she'll get to play Daggair on Babylon 5.

Then on the right we see her prayers answered.

Day One Family Fun

2006-01-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

Howard Stern's First Day on Sirius Satellite Radio
A report brought to you from Family Media Guide (www.familymediaguide.com)

--

Profanity Details
Words and Instances: F-word(77), C-word(11), A*s(42), A*shole(34), Balls(26), B*stard(2), B*tch(11), Christ(6), C*ck(13), Crap(8), C*m(5), Damn(3), D*ck(10), Fag(2), Goddamn(9), Hell(18), Jesus(5), N*gger(2), Piss(7), Pr*ck(1), P*ssy(18), Sh*t(3), Tw*t(1)

Profanity Examples in Context: F*ck you.” – “Now I got a f*ckin' headache!” – “You fat f*ck.” – “There's guys that don't mind getting f*cked in the a*s…” – “I said it was kinda hot that Martha Stewart's daughter was kinda c*nty.” – “How would you describe that other than, you know, a c*nt?” – “You can e-mail us at c*nty dot com.” – “He's an a*s.” – “'A*shole' is not a curse word to me.” – “You shave your balls?” – “Penny, you're a b*stard?” – “He's a little b*tch.” – “Rape me, for Christ's sake!” – “Suck my c*ck.” – “Enough of this crap.” – “You're a d*ck.” – “I just wanted to commend you guys for having the first fag in space…” – “Goddamn it.” – “What the hell is that?” – “Jesus Christ.” – “N*gger, please.” – “I was so pissed.” – “You stuttering pr*ck.” – “I'm a p*ssy.” – “I want to suck your p*ssy.” – “B*tches ain't sh*t.”– “No sh*t.” – “I think she put a watermelon in her tw*t.”

Sex Details Sexual Content Overview: Orgasm implied by sounds. Masturbation implied by sounds. Oral sex implied by sounds. Lascivious discussion of sexual desires. Sexual innuendos and phrases, including the f-word, “anal,” “a*s,” “a*shole,” “balls,” “blow,” “bone,” “breasts,” “bukkake,” “c*ck,” “cum,” “d*ck,” “do,” “fellatio,” “finger,” “fist,” gay,” “hand job,” “hard on,” “head,” “heterosexual,” “homosexual,” “hooker,” “horny,” “hummer,” “jerk off,” “jism,” “labia,” “laid,” “lesbian,” “load,” “masturbation,” “nipples,” “oral sex,” “penis,” “porn,” “pubic hair,” “p*ssy,” “rubbers,” “scrotum,” “sex,” “sixty-nine,” “snatch,” “squirt,” “straight,” “suck,” “swallow,” “tea bag,” “tits,” “tw*t,” “vagina,” and “wang.”

Sexual Examples in Context: A sound effect implies that a man is ejaculating. Sound effects imply that a woman is manipulating a man's penis. A sound indicates that a woman has taken a man's penis into her mouth. A man leaves an obscene message on a woman's phone: “I wanna hire a hooker… make you suck my c*ck… suck your p*ssy… lick your a*s.” A man tells a woman to perform sexual acts: “Can you give me a hand job? Just take my c*ck out… I'm really starting to get hard now… Can you work a finger in my a*s?” A man asks another man about his sexual practices: “Every gay man I've ever interviewed says they only perform oral… No one ever says they enjoy anal sex.” A man tells another man, “You gotta shave your a*shole.” A man accuses another man of requiring flattery: “You're making him suck your balls on the air.” A man asks, “Did Artie blow a Scoutmaster?” A man says that a drug “gives you such a boner.” A man says that a woman “had a breast reduction.” A man makes a reference to a sexual practice: “And bukkake to you all.” During a sexual encounter, a woman tells a man, “There's a hundred people in here, and they're gonna cum inside you.” A man says that a woman is too overweight to have sex with: “I'd rather do a guy than do her, at this point.” A man says that another man “got a merit badge in fellatio.” A man jokes, “My Scoutmaster fist-f*cked me.” A man reads another person's confession out loud: “When I woke up in the hospital, an acquaintance of the same sex was fondling my genitals.” A man notes, “She said he gives really good head… She squirted.” A man notes that another man is “a heterosexual.” A man says, “I am a homosexual man.” In a brief audio clip, a woman says, “Me so horny.” A man describes another man as “a volcano of jizz.” A man asks, “Don't labias get swollen?” A man suggests that another man is trying to get his young son “laid.” A man introduces a radio show: “Our five-year mission: to seek out lesbians with sexy stories.” A man reads another person's confession out loud: “A guy once blew his load on my chest.” A man says, “I jerk off twice a day, and prefer to masturbate.” A man asks, “What's wrong with electroding nipples?” A man explains why he uses condoms: “The rubber adds girth to my minuscule penis.” A man says that another man is dating “a porn star.” A man suggests that another man is “into pubic hair.” A man praises a woman's breasts: “My favorite rack of the morning.” A man claims that two other men are “addicted to each other's scrotums.” A man summarizes another man's first sexual encounter: “In other words, you shot all over his face.” A man claims to enjoy a particular sexual position: “I sixty-nine.” A man asks whether a woman shaves her “snatch.” A man warns a group of people that another man may touch them with his scrotum: “Every time you curse, Richard's gonna tea bag you.” A man suggests that a woman get a job as a “titty dancer.” A man claims that a woman “put a watermelon in her tw*t.” A man notes that another man has had sex with women: “He's had vagina.” A man says, “I love black wang.” A man asks another man about the consequences of anal sex: “Don't you get some mud on your turtle?”

Nudity Overview: None.

Nudity Examples in Context: None.

Violence DetailsViolence Content Overview: Blunt force injury with a character groaning in pain. Verbal threats of blunt force injury and rape.

Violence Examples in Context: We hear a man receiving a blow and groaning in pain. A man tells another man, “I will knock you out.” A woman tells a man, “I'm gonna rape your tight little a*s, Dave.”

Character Slurs: F-word(6), C-word(5), A*s(1), A*shole(2), B*stard(1), B*tch(10), Broad(6), Crazy(4), D*ck(2), Drunk(4), Fag(1), Fat(10), Idiot(1), Liar(2), N*gger(1), Nut(2), Pathetic(1), Pervert(1), P*ssy(2), Pr*ck(1), Retard(1), Sick(1), Stupid(2), Suck(3), Whore(10)

Additional Content Other Content: Mature discussions. Disrespectful behavior. Product placement.

Examples: Discussions of illegal behavior, masturbation, and virginity. Belching. Defecating. Passing gas. Products include: Sirius, Viacom, Yahoo, The WB, NBC, MSNBC, Court TV, Best Buy, Circuit City, CNN, Dr. Pepper, Rolling Stone, Esquire, US Weekly, National Lampoon, USA Today, Forbes, Century 21, iPod, The New York Post, The New York Times, Playboy, Barney's, HBO, ABC, FOX, Heineken, Wal-Mart, Cialis, Viagra, Tylenol, Benadryl, MGM Grand, Mandalay Bay, Harley Davidson, Schick, Cheerios, Nike, and McDonald's.

--

So, if you were wondering whether uncensored Howard Stern would be suitable for families, the official data is now in. In fact, after this report, I would question whether the Family Media Guide website is suitable for families.

The website also has data on television shows, movies and music. So if you're looking for all the really good stuff out there, you now have an excellent new source.

Lois Nettleton (1929 - any day now)

2006-01-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes is The Midnight Sun. You might remember it. It's the one where the Earth's orbit is compromised and it starts moving closer and closer to the sun. Every day it gets hotter and hotter, until one day when the paintings start to melt. At that point the lead character, Norma, gives us a 60's B-movie shriek and falls, wide-eyed, to the floor...

...then, in a typical Twilight Zone surprise ending [STOP HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT], the scene changes and it turns out it was all a bad dream. It's snowing outside. No, the Earth isn't getting closer to the sun. It is, in fact, moving farther away from the sun. In a matter of weeks they'll all be popsicles!

Okay, so why am I telling you all this? The lead character, Norma, was played by an actress named Lois Nettleton. Here is a still from the episode -- as you can see she was quite a hottie (haha - I'm too funny).

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Lois Nettleton. Okay, so not exactly a household name. But since she starred in one of my fave TZ episodes, I thought I might google her and find out whatever became of her. Remarkably, she's had quite an extensive career. Turns out you can make quite a solid living as an actress without anyone outside of Hollywood knowing your name.

Surprisingly, I learned that Ms. Nettleton was in one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes. Remember when George reaches into the trash and takes a bite out of an eclair? Lois Nettleton is the older woman who seems him do it. In fact, here's a picture of Lois these days:

sigh. It's a damn shame that attractive women have to age. Ann-Margaret, Lauren Bacall, Elizabeth Taylor... all beauties in their day. Have you seen Mary Tyler Moore recently? Hoo-boy. I wonder how Loni Anderson's holding up these days. Haven't seen her around in awhile. Whoa! Wait, here she is...

Yikes! Long time since WKRP, no?

Disgust Ad Nauseum

2006-01-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

What's up? What's happening? How's it going? How are you? How's it hanging? Whazzzup? How goes it? How have you been? What's shaking? How you holding up? How are you doing? What's the scoop? What's the 411?

Not much. Nothing. Just chillin'. Just hanging out. Keeping busy. Fine, thanks. Okay. Just peachy. Fair to poor. Can't complain. I'm doing allright. Real good. Staying out of trouble. Hanging in there. Been better. Been worse.

That's good. I'm sorry. Oh, really. Glad to hear it. Sounds like a plan. Is that so? No kidding. I see. Good for you. I'll be darned. Well I'll be.

I'm off. Well, gotta run. It's been good talking to you. I'm outta here. I gotta go. Wow, look at the time. I should be going. It's getting late.

Let's do this again. Call me. Don't be a stranger. Come back to see me sometime. Keep in touch.
Don't forget to write.

Good bye. So long. Farewell. See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile. Have a nice day. Have a great day. Be good. I'll see ya soon. I'll talk to ya later. Drive carefully. Take it easy. Peace. Peace out. Take care. Good luck. Take luck.

Nothing New Under The Pun

2006-01-07T11:04:00.000-08:00

I love coming up with the titles for these blog entries. I'm a big fan of puns and clever wordplay.

As I was typing up my last entry (which does not have a particularly clever title, by the way), it occurred to me that Mick Jagger was using a metaphor in his lyric. I used that bit of irrelevant info to try to come up with an interesting title for the entry.

In my mind-doodling, I came up with the phrase, "Metaphors Be With You." Get it? May the Force Be With You? I thought it was a pretty nifty pun. Unfortunately, it didn't really have anything to do with Mick Jagger. I contemplated using it anyway, but I ultimately resisted. I stashed it away in my folder of brilliant ideas, resolving to quickly think up a Star Wars entry that included the use of metaphor.

On a lark, I decided to punch up "Metaphors Be With You" in a search engine. Whoops! It turns out that I'm not the first one to come up with that pun. In fact, I'm not even the second or third. Check these out:

An essay on myths and metaphors:
http://www.nv.cc.va.us/home/lshulman/MYTHS.html

An author's website:
http://www.michaelmallory.com/

A Therapy Seminar:
http://jkseminars.com/programs_detail.php?recordID=21

Someone's blog entry:
http://www.pejmanesque.com/archives/007087.html

Some New Age website:
http://www.halexandria.org/dward742.htm

A site that sells poetry products (see photos above):
http://www.poetryalive.com/products/meta_t.html

Another blog entry:
http://www.windsofchange.net/archives/metaphors_be_with_you-print.php

And most amazing, "Jedi Life in the Real World", run by a friend of my good friend, Everett:
http://www.frimmin.com/mt/archives/000103.html

sigh

REJECTED TITLE FOR THIS ENTRY: Metaphors Majeure

Great Timing, Mick!

2006-01-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm at work listening to the Howard Stern channel. My store is usually empty so I don't have to worry about offending anyone. However, when a customer walks in, I'm very quick to change the channel, respecting the fact that many people don't appreciate his humor.

An older woman just walked into my store a few minutes ago. I quickly flipped my Sirius radio dial to the first music station I could find, which turned out to be the Rolling Stones channel.

The first words that blared from my speakers: "I think that you're a crock of shit!"

Ahem...

I would have been safer leaving it on Howard.

The lyric is from the Rolling Stones song, Sweet Neo-Con, from the new album, The Bigger Bang. The song is believed to be directed at George Bush. Couldn't you have just called him a bugger, Mick?

Return of the King

2006-01-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

January 9, 2006

Okay, it's not January 9, 2006 yet. But it's so close I can taste it. Howard Stern left terrestrial radio on December 16, 2005. In less than three days he will be bringing his show to Sirius satellite radio.

I'll tell you right now -- I'm a HUGE Howard Stern fan.

For one thing, no other entertainer has ever been able to consistently make me laugh the way Howard can. And I mean real laughs. Yes, he can be crude, obnoxious, and he may violate your personal sense of good taste. But when it comes right down to it, the man is funny.

I don't believe our society puts a high enough value on humor. Real laughter feels so good. That's why Howard's fan base is so huge. He makes people feel good. He's also a very honest communicator. He instills trust in his listeners, and he doesn't violate that trust. He has said that he gets a rush every day from making that connection with his audience, and you can hear that in his broadcasts. Howard doesn't go through the motions.

Lesbians. Farts. Strippers. The Robo-Spanker. Penis Ping Pong. Anal Ring Toss. Yes, Howard can be quite ridiculous and absurd. And he's definitely not for everyone.

But he makes me laugh. And that feels good.

Telephoney Baloney

2006-01-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

Phone: [ring]

Me: Hello.

Phone: Hello, this is U.S. Telecom, we're your (something something) long distance carrier, and we just wanted to let you know (something something) and that's going to save you alot of money. Okay?

Me: I'm not sure I understand [that's what happens when you don't listen].

Phone: I'm with U.S. Telecom, (something something something something something something something), and you don't have to do a thing. Okay?

Me: I've never heard of U.S. Telecom. I don't have an account with U.S. Telecom.

Phone: [click]

--

Did you notice that he kept saying 'okay'? That's their trick. If I had agreed or acknowledged him in any way, shape, or form, I probably would have received a bill very shortly from U.S. Telecom for (something something). I think the fact that he hung up on me bears that out. Phone companies try to trick you into making you think you're already a subscriber of their service. If someone doesn't know any better, they can be hoodwinked into signing up for new service, or even changing old service. I know, because at one time I didn't know any better, and it has happened to me.

A Rose Bowl By Any Other Name

2006-01-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

Wow! Two amazing nights of college football in a row. In fact, I heard that Monday night's Sugar Bowl was no slouch, either. Has the bowl series always been this exciting?

Last night's game was a thriller. The Longhorns were down 38-26 with six minutes to go in the game. They were able to stop a 4th and 2 conversion attempt by the Trojans, which would have put the game out of reach had it been successful. I'd like to give Pete Carroll, head coach of the Trojans, an honorary "choke" sign for his decision not to punt. Here's to you, dickhead.

(In 1992, Carroll was heavily criticized for giving the choke sign to Miami Dolphins kicker, Pete Stoyanovich, after the latter missed a game tying extra point. Carroll was defensive coordinator for the New York Jets at the time. I was a Miami Dolphins fan at the time.)

Longhorns quarterback, Vince Young, was able to drive down the field and score a touchdown on fourth down with 19 seconds left in the game. It was football theatrics at its finest.

Somebody remind me to tune into the bowl series this time next year. By then I'll have forgotten how much I enjoyed this year's finale.

A Toy Named Sue

2006-01-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

A family member of one of the West Virginia miners who perished this week is already making plans to sue the Mining Company.

Apparently, nothing eases the pain of a lost loved one like a healthy cash settlement.

Speak First Think Later

2006-01-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

Overheard on CNN: Regarding the disparity between job safety and salary, one observer stated that West Virginia miners were, "between a rock and a hard place."

Miscommunication

2006-01-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

I can only imagine one thing worse than losing a loved one to tragedy.

And that's losing a loved one to tragedy twice.

Two days ago an explosion ripped apart a mine in West Virginia, trapping thirteen miners.

Yesterday the grim news arrived that the carbon monoxide levels in the mine were deadly. Hope had not been completely lost, but chances for any survivors seemed slim at best.

Just before midnight on Wednesday morning, a group of loved ones was reportedly told by a Red Cross worker that 12 miners had survived the West Virginia blast. Families screamed with jubilation. Church bells rang.

Three hours later, it was reported that a miscommunication had occurred, and that there was only one survivor. The other 12 had perished.

There is now understandable outrage from family members. Nothing less could be expected from such a devastating sequence of events. To paraphrase one mourner, they were given a miracle, and then it was taken away.

Cries of "liar" and "hypocrite" were tossed about with abandon today. I haven't heard enough about the miscommunication to know whether it was an honest mistake, careless, optimistic speculation, or a flat out attempt to deceive and cause pain. I find it extremely hard to believe that it was the latter, in which case the accusations of lying and hypocrisy would be unfounded. Families of lost loved ones can be forgiven such trespasses. Their grief may be an obstacle to clear, rational thinking. However, I hope the media and mass opinion carefully assess the situation before jumping to such conclusions.

In fact, the only hypocrisy I've witnessed has come from one of the family members. After the news had come that most of the miners had survived, people were praising God and thanking him. When the truth was revealed, one family member exclaimed that she "didn't even know if there was a Lord anymore."

Time And A Half

2006-01-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I'm not a huge college football fan. Frankly, I already spend enough time watching professional football, there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to follow the amateurs as well.

However, when a bowl game is on, I'll usually check it out. Note that I rarely know when a bowl game will be on, or who will be playing in it. I just happened to see that the Florida State Seminoles would be playing this evening against Penn State in the FedEx Orange Bowl. Normally this wouldn't excite me, but my good friend, Everett, is an FSU fan so I thought it might give me a reason to cheer for one team over the other. Watching football is always more fun when you have a reason to cheer for one team over the other.

Turned out to be a good one, too. It went into triple overtime. Unfortunately, Everett's team lost, but at least I got to see a good football game. I've probably watched less than a handful of college games in my life, so it was fortunate that I got to witness a classic this evening.

I knew college overtime was different from NFL overtime, but I didn't realize how different. Not only does each team get a chance at the ball, they get to start on their opponent's 25-yard line. I thought that made things pretty exciting. There were lots of missed kicks in the game, too, which made things very tense. Twice Penn State's kicker missed a field goal that would have essentially won the game for them. He finally nailed the one he needed at around 1 a.m. this morning, about five hours after the game started. I guess you had to feel good for the guy, even though the FSU kicker had a look on his face like someone had just kicked him in the goal posts, if you know what I mean.